u/Melodic_Green3804

Whether or not anyone agrees with Dawkins that AI is conscious (yet), it does seem like we're moving in that direction. And if humanity eventually creates genuinely conscious AI, would that force us to rethink consciousness itself as something more fundamental to reality than we currently assume? After all, biological evolution produced human intelligence, and human intelligence is now trying to produce artificial intelligence. If AI were ever to become conscious (if it isn't already), a big picture view of consciousness wouldn't view it as something that only occurred once in biology... instead it'd be more like a persistent drive towards ever-increasing forms of awareness.

In other words, instead of consciousness being a rare accident of matter, we could view it more like an intrinsic tendency of reality to organize itself into increasingly self-aware forms. Sort of like "evolutionary pansychism". Or, if this drive towards awareness is independent of matter, "evolutionary panentheism".

If this view sounds reasonable, it might mean we are actually engineering our own extinction as we give way for the next form of "life".

This is something that's been happening to me since I was a kid, which kinda hurt my ability to make friends, and in adulthood it has cost me even more.

This is not a humble brag or anything like that... I'm good at what I do, because I dont really try to get involved in things that I won't be absolutely dedicated to. Maybe that needs to change, idk. But it's always felt pointless to me to half-ass anything at all. So like... I always put in maximum dedication/effort into things, as I'm more internally motivated (do *I* like it?) as opposed to social/external motivation, which is more pronounced in NT people. Don't get me wrong, I like to be recognized for my efforts, but I must like it first and foremost... and if I dont like it, it doesn't matter how many people hype me up. It will look like shit to me still.

Now to the topic. In junior high I switched schools to a place that was tuition-free for whoever was the top student in the class. Before I went there, a kid from a struggling background was routinely the best student. It seemed like a heartwarming story. My parents were well-off relatively. Yet, I displaced him from the top in my first year there (and all the years I was a student there) and i became mostly hated by my peers. Not directly but subtly. Idk. But I couldn't force myself to fail because I loved my work. I eventually had to be taken to another school.

At this new school I met a friend who had a similar interest in music as me, and he taught me a few vocal techniques. I loved it so much and how I seemed to improve at singing so fast that I kinda neglected academics and went all in into developing my musical skills. Over time I began to surpass him, and he started to hate me for it. Not directly but I realized in hindsight that I probably hit his self esteem because when I started getting attention for my musical skills he started being pretty awful to me. Idk.

In adulthood it's only gotten worse. I started becoming extra meticulous about my work because I became a target for people who'd want to see me fail, to see me "humbled". I realized that many of the people I worked with (like in my PhD program) didnt really love the science, and so my excitement actually irritated a lot of people because it was construed as pride, I guess. Idk.

It's part of my reasons for wanting to transition to more spiritual-focused work where theres no competition, just love of God - at least that's what I thought. Until I ended up at a church who I thought genuinely cared for me but, well, that's a story for another day.

I'm not saying that im perfect. I'm just saying that I'm a bit intense about everything I do, and of course maximum effort yields maximum results. And I have recently become aware of how much that pisses people off even though I'm genuinely not trying to make anyone look bad. But I need to do something about it. Because even in my PhD program, my first advisors resentment towards my progress resulted in him trying to overwork me until he could "break" me, which i didnt even realize he was doing (because i loved my work) until the mistreatment ramped up after my mom died.

I recently had a psychotic episode because I felt under so much pressure and my brain stopped working normally. This resulted in a multiple public crashouts, two suicide attempts, and i even got raped (yes, i am a man... i was drugged by a stranger that saved my life in one of the attempts). And of course this provided "ammunition" for people that secretly resented me to be more open about it... and I'm still shocked by how many people actually hated me and I didnt realize it.

I just want to live the rest of my life in isolation, quietly doing the things I love and avoiding most.

For most of my life I tried to mask to fit in. Tried my very best. But could never understand why I always seemed to get things wrong no matter how hard I tried. I got very good at "things", because I developed a process for learning anything I wanted to - from academics to musical ability. But I never figured out how to just "be" socially. Made friends who seemed more like they just pitied me and adopted me than actually respected me as a person and liked having me around. And so on.

I fell in love with an autistic woman in Summer 2024 and it was the best time of my life before everything came crashing down... I'm actually at a very low point right now. But I learned through loving her that I was probably autistic too, and got diagnosed a few months later. I do regret breaking up with her, but the relationship was gradually becoming toxic and I felt it'd be best to leave while things were still somewhat okay while we take time apart. You know, when they start picking fights over every single thing you do it seems to me like writing on the wall to end things. Idk. But she never forgave me for breaking up with her no matter how hard I tried to explain... and two years later I haven't moved on. Don't think I ever will...

Anyway, to the title of the post. I feel like even after my diagnosis I still tried to fit in socially with my peers and thought that by disclosing my autism I'd at least have any missteps understood. But nah. I realized the harder I try to connect with people the more annoying I appear. And honestly I dont even like most people, I prefer my solitude.

So recently I've just accepted that I'm considered "disabled" and will continue to misstep here and there. But it doesn't matter as long as it doesn't affect my source of income. I'm trying my best to be the best person I can be and learning from my mistakes, but I'm no longer actively trying to connect with people. And my life suddenly feels so much easier. I let myself be weird when I feel like, even in public. I let people whisper and talk about me. I let it all happen... they dont understand me anyway, and I have no reason to care anymore about constantly being out of place... I'm turning 28 this year for God's sake, I've had enough of trying as hard as ive tried my whole life. So it's acceptance now...Yes, I'm disabled. Yes, I'm a little (a lot) weird. And?

Acceptance feels better than repeatedly explaining myself to people who've made judgements about me and already decided who they think I am in their heads. Does anyone relate to this?