Anybody in the NYC area down to chill out? Preferably Southern Queens/South shore Long Island? Even if not in person, we can chat here or text. Just want to start making a new circle
New here. Honestly never thought I’d be posting here, much less joining. Though I’ve never been fully on board with JW teaching I’ve spent the past 40+ years of my life just going with it, so as not to disappoint others. Imagine having to wear a mask without ever being able to take it off. That was me, and I’m sure it’s many of you as well.
My folks were baptized when I was 5 and my dad quickly progressed. Eventually becoming an elder and presiding overseer (now called coordinator). My mom was regular pioneer, we had book study at my house, and weekday service came out of there as well. As a child, I could never really grasp the concept of “god”. An invisible being in heaven watching over us? I could never buy into it. But I couldn’t question that. Wasn’t allowed. Apostates question and oppose.
I learned how to pretend to enjoy the spiritual things. Got baptized in 1995 at 17, and had little privileges here and there but didn’t progress much. So much so that a CO noticed the PIMO in me and said “don’t waste your time here. If this isn’t what you want, leave. Make something of yourself out there if you’re not going to do it here.” Good advice but I knew it wasn’t coming from a good place.
My inability to show real enthusiasm began to show more and more, but I still couldn’t find it in me to leave. The organization does a good job at instilling fear in “the world”. “There’s nothing out there. Happiness and satisfaction is short lived” they would say. So I’d stay put, out of fear and in hopes that something would click and I’d finally find joy in being a part of the organization. But I just couldn’t make sense of so much that they taught from the bible. Especially when you look at it from a logical and scientific standpoint.
I’d eventually move out and moved to a different congregation in the new neighborhood. I lasted one year before I’d go inactive. Lasted 7 years. Made some friends, worked in marketing, got involved in community activities, social activism, etc., but at some point, I started developing some anxiety and I thought maybe going back would help. Being a part of a community with tight bonds was appealing to me. But that desire clouded what I had known since I was a young boy. That sense of community, the love, the brotherhood…it’s not unconditional. You have to fall in line, accept it all as truth, and never question any of it. My desperation for some type of belonging made me forget about that.
So back I go. The prodigal son. Walking in to the hall, a lot of familiar faces, outnumbered by new ones, but all of them welcoming me back. Lots of hugs and kisses, even some tears. I don’t doubt that it was genuine. I just know that if I hadn’t gone back, and they saw me out in the street, the vibe would be much different. But again, that euphoric feeling of being the center of this outpouring of love was unbearable. I was almost convinced that this was in fact the truth. God’s people. I was home. For the next year or two, I was active. Going to service weeknights, early Saturday morning, and group afterwards. Giving parts, helping out at the hall with sound, mics, stage. Leading the group in service, etc.
During all that, I met my wife. I had just left a toxic relationship. I should have given myself more time but my mom and a lot of the sisters I considered mother figures all tried to play match maker. She was attractive. Kind, very independent, and spiritual. After the memorial in 2018, we all went out to eat and she sat next to me. We talked, and talked, and talked some more. The following January we were married.
A year later, I was recommended as servant. I accepted. This was a turning point. This was when my doubts became assurance. Assurance that god (as I was taught) is not real. You see, in the entire time that I came back, and made all this progress, I was still leading a double life. I’d flirt with some of the women at work, id hook up with this one girl I met at the gym I frequented, I’d watch porn, masturbate, you name it.
How could a group of elders, under prayer and led by the Holy Spirit choose me to serve the congregation in any capacity? Still, in an effort to keep up appearances for the congregation, my family, and my wife, I accepted. Eventually, I started giving public talks. Going to other congregations as well.
In that time I reconnected with an old flame from my late teens. We’d have phone sex, FaceTime where she’d strip for me and we’d masturbate together, she’d send lewd pics from the bathroom at work, and I’d reciprocate. Eventually, her husband found out, confronted me, I confessed, a week later I was an MS no longer and publicly reproved.
I still go to meetings. I’m commenting and giving parts again. Still not helping out in any capacity, but the act of being that active and enthusiastic member of the congregation is wearing thin.
In September I had a mental health crisis where I just wanted to disappear. Checked in at the hospital, and a week later was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. 2 months later with ADHD (with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria as one of the dominant traits). As I continued with my weekly visits with the psychiatrist we’ve come to one conclusion in that 40+ years of masking. Being a part of something I don’t believe in, being intellectually, socially, and sexually repressed, making decisions based on what others thought was best for me as opposed to making decisions based on what I thought was best for me (including marrying someone who, while being a great person, I just could never develop the deep feelings you should have for a spouse), all have taken a severe psychological toll on me. And if I continue, it could lead to irreversible consequences.
Which leads me to a crossroads. Do I rip the bandaid off and just walk away knowing that in doing so, will mean starting over from zero. If I was in my 20s, it’d be a lot easier. As a middle aged man, not so.
I’m not even sure why I’m writing all of this. Maybe it’s to finally let out what I’ve only discussed with my therapist? Or find other people who have gone through the same or still are? Maybe someone will have the answers I’m looking for. Whatever it is, the PIMO life is not meant to be a long term thing. If you’re in the process of checking out, don’t wait until your life is turned upside down because of it.