My dog has already been gone longer than she was with me
I adopted my dog near the end of her life without knowing, we had one very happy year and then one year of knowing she would die soon. She was senior age but just barely so I thought we'd have more time. I adopted her from her original mom who had her since she was a puppy, it was a tough situation but she was doing so well after some time to grieve and miss her old life. She was the best thing that ever came into my life and changed it for the better in so many ways. Then she started having symptoms and everything became sad and scary. I just want to ramble about her a bit a lot because I'm listening to a song that always reminds me of her, The Night We Met- Lord Huron.
She had degenerative myelopathy, so she was losing mobility over time until it progressed far enough up her spine that euthanasia was kindest. All of the song lyrics feel like they're written about my dog. I know it's supposed to be more of a love/breakup song but nah it's definitely about my dog.
She used a wheelchair eventually but most of her walks would still be with me holding her up in her help-em-up harness attached to her butt. WE chased squirrels, I did my best not to slow her down lmao. We were such a good team, we really moved as one! We always had so much fun even in the last year when her back legs weren't working, she never seemed to want to be done until the very last few days of her life.
I hate that I always think of the last year first, the hard times are what my mind goes to and I have to dig to get to the happy memories. It's the same feeling as when I learned her prognosis, now there's a shadow over the memories like there was over everything for the last year of her life. I'm so happy to have had her in my life, I just want to feel only that when I remember.
She was the first major death in my life, I know that means I've been lucky but it really doesn't feel like it. I'm still too sad to get another dog and afraid to face a disease like DM again. But I did go to therapy after she died and we worked on being able to think of her without being overwhelmed by sadness, fear, and guilt, it helped a lot. I can listen to songs that remind me of her and I'll definitely cry like a baby but it's not an all day thing if that makes sense. I can look at pictures and feel sad but not dwell on it too much.
I still struggle with things like should I have let her go sooner? I took over her care after 8 years of a happy life and then she's gone after 2 years with me? Like her disease was somehow my fault. I've always struggled with my mental health (walks were amazing for that! but I don't walk at all without a dog). The first year with my dog was the first time I felt like life might turn out ok, and then I lost it, and really spiraled after her death. It'll be 4 years soon and I've only started to feel like I've recovered from it in the last year or so.
I'm not "over it" but I think I'm doing ok now. She would most likely have died from old age by now and I wonder how different things would be. She was my best friend, she was so smart, I think she had a real sense of humor. She was so LOUD and she made me feel so safe, my guard dog. She really gave me a run for my money every day, I miss her a lot.