u/Maxstastic

First, about my situation: I am 23 years old, and my LO is 22. We have known each other for two years. Right from the beginning, when I first met him, I immediately developed feelings for him. A few weeks later, I confessed them and got rejected. I was pretty down for a few weeks afterward, but eventually recovered and continued living my life. After that, we only had sporadic contact. However, five months later, things changed in a shared seminar group.

Over time, and through a major university project that we worked on together for six months last year, we became very close friends. For about four months, we saw each other every day for at least six hours on average. We both had many personal ups and downs, supported each other, looked out for one another, and spent a lot of time talking and laughing together.

All of that brought back my insecurities and caused me to overthink more and more. During that time, I went through several lows, severe depressive phases, then highs again, and then more lows. Even back then, I started taking less and less care of myself, of my other friends, and of my own life in general. At times, I completely ignored my family and would not contact them for weeks. On top of that, I developed social anxiety whenever I received a message from someone. I often would not reply for days because I was afraid of saying something wrong.

Toward the end of the project, things became even more intense, and then, two months later, our studies ended and, of all things, we both moved to the same city for an internship. He does not handle being alone very well, so for several weeks we met on Discord every day, talked, and watched movies together. During that time, I developed severe depression because the closeness gradually faded, while at the same time an emotional dependency became more and more noticeable.

I had completely lost myself in him. Ninety-five percent of my everyday life revolved around him: When will he text me? Why did he write it like that? Why is he replying so late? Why is he not asking if we want to do something together today? For my birthday in February, he gave me photos he had taken — he is a talented photographer. That pulled me even deeper into my thoughts. And then he suddenly distanced himself. That was exactly when my severe depressive phase began, including suicidal thoughts.

My lows lasted until seven days ago, after I contacted my doctor in mid-March. He is a wonderful person and is actively helping me process everything. I have now been taking Escitalopram for almost four weeks, and for about four days I have noticed that I am finally able to take better care of myself again. My thoughts now revolve around him for less than 50% of the day, maybe even less. I can feel joy again, look a little more hopefully toward the future, and see myself again as an independent person. During all of this, I developed an immense sense of self-hatred. I practically disregarded myself and my everyday decisions and called myself a “good-for-nothing.”

Alongside the medication, I have also consciously reduced contact. I text him less, I no longer check his social media, and I archived our chat so I would not be triggered whenever a message from him popped up. In general, we now only see each other every few weeks, which is completely okay. The triggers are becoming less intense, and I think I am able to handle them.

To be honest, of course not everything is okay again yet. The medication is still settling in, and it will probably take a few more weeks until things feel more stable and the constant lows and this heavy feeling fade away — which has been the worst part for me.

How I think you can get out of limerence or emotional dependency:

• Reduce the contact a little. It does not necessarily have to be full no contact, but at least enough so that you are not seeing each other every single week. Distance helps your thoughts slowly calm down again.
• Turn to other friends. Talk about it a lot with someone else you trust and consciously distract yourself by spending time with other people. I think I owe a lot to my friend — without his help, I might not have made it out of some of my lowest points so well.
• Do things for yourself again. Exercise, go for a run, or even go to the cinema alone. Try to reconnect with yourself and start noticing yourself again. Yoga helps me a lot, for example.
• Archive chats and maybe delete Instagram for a few days or weeks. That can bring a huge amount of stability back into your everyday life. I noticed the first positive effects as early as day three. Instagram was one of my biggest triggers, especially when he uploaded new stories.
• If you are dealing with intense sadness, lack of motivation, exhaustion, dark thoughts, or no longer feeling any joy, please talk to a doctor. You do not have to go through this alone. Especially if you cannot find a therapist or do not have access to that kind of support, this step is very important.
• And most importantly: make yourself important to yourself again. Love the people who are truly good for you. Your LO is not good for you in this state.