I can't handle my mom commenting on my body again
She just sent me pictures from my piano recital 17 years ago. I commented "Wow, I can't believe I was so small at 11, my feet barely touch the ground."
She responded : "You were so thin."
It would be innocuous on its own, but it's the accumulation. "You have big arms" when I send her a picture from me at a wedding I attended, because she requested one. Patting my tummy saying "Tuck it in" when I'm being a slouch after a big family dinner. "You look pregnant" on every picture where my belly doesn't look 100% flat (which it never does).
Like, I'm not fat. I'm 1,68m and weigh 65kg (5'6 and 143lbs). Perfectly normal BMI. I've gained some weight a few years back when I was on the pill, but nothing significant, and given how much I exercise, I'm pretty sure part of the weight is muscle anyway.
And I hate how I've internalized it. I remember taking pictures of me during my student exchange and deleting every single one where I didn't look "thin enough" for her. All I have left from 6 months abroad are maybe 6 pictures of me. I had to keep myself from deleting some pictures from my most recent trip with my boyfriend because it was a nice souvenir, despite her voice in my head repeating that I looked obese (I don't, I know I don't, but it's such a narrative).
She already has one daughter who had an eating disorder, and she refuses to admit she's one of the reasons behind it. She keeps talking shit about my body.
And every time I stard to think I'm getting better at loving myself, and feeling confident in my own skin, she sends my a new text, and I grind my teeth as I watch my strenght crumble.
I hate it. What the fuck is she trying to accomplish with her comments?