u/Matcha2478

How have you been?

Even now, I still don’t quite have the courage to ask you that directly. So instead, I’m talking to you here.

I believe you’ve probably been doing okay. Lately, you seem to have a little more energy again in the group chat, and strangely… seeing that gives me a bit of relief.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m overthinking things, but when I read the conversations in the group, I can’t help feeling that maybe you’ve been trying to check whether I’m okay too. At times, it feels like you want to talk to me, or maybe see if I’ll respond to you.

I want you to know… it’s not that I don’t want to reply to you. I just don’t know how to speak to you naturally again yet, even if it’s only about the game.

Before, in my letter, I said that if you were okay and wanted to talk to me again, you would always be welcome. But now, ironically, I realized I’m actually the one who isn’t ready yet.

I keep wondering whether my silence makes you think I’m still angry with you. I’m not.

And I’m also afraid that maybe you think I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. That’s absolutely not true.

Lately, I feel a little lost and unsure of myself. Maybe I’m afraid that if I speak again, I’ll hurt you somehow, or that things will become painful again like before.

I don’t want to lose you again.

Not because I need you to stay by my side forever. I know one day you’ll eventually leave my life. But for now… I just hope you won’t leave too soon.

Last night, a small part of me was quietly hoping you would send reinforcements to me. When you didn’t, I ended up feeling a little disappointed. For a moment, it felt like maybe you had finally made up your mind to leave me behind. I didn’t realize how much that would affect me. Even though deep down, I know I have to accept that one day, you may leave my life.

So maybe, for the first time — and perhaps the last time — I want to ask something selfish of you:

Would you stay with me a little longer?

I don’t know when I’ll finally be able to gently answer you again, or naturally reach back toward you.

But if you can… would you give me just a little more time?

How have you been lately?

I’m sorry that I never even had the courage to give you the simplest reply. It was already hard before, and now it feels even more impossible.

There are thousands of words in my heart. These past few days, I’ve felt like a fool, talking only to AI about my feelings. Maybe when you read this, you’ll think I’ve gone crazy. I know this letter may trouble you once again, and for that, I’m truly sorry. But please allow me this one final chance to speak honestly. I ask for nothing in return. Let this be our first real conversation, and perhaps also the last.

When I first met you, I honestly didn’t think too much about it. In the group, you were like half a leader, but you were never the cold type who only talked strategy. Back then, I felt this place could actually be relaxing and fun, without pressure. Sometimes the group was quiet, but whenever you spoke — even if it was only a sentence or two — I liked the feeling. It was like a soft warm breeze passing through once in a while: quiet, gentle, but carrying warmth and life.

When you said you were leaving, I honestly didn’t feel much at first. The group wasn’t very active anyway, so leaving seemed understandable. When you added me and showed me where you were, I simply thought, “Why do you have so much time to play two accounts?” Haha. Looking back now, I think I was a little stupid and slow. Maybe you were already trying to tell me you hadn’t really gone far away. Or maybe, at that time, you simply wanted to be friends in the game, nothing more.

Later, I realized you would sometimes check the map to see how I was doing. I kept telling myself it was normal because you used to be one of the leaders. But I want you to know… later on, I also searched for you on the map sometimes, wondering what level you had reached, lol.

There was also a period when I was preparing to transfer servers — I had already bought all the materials, and I even thought about quitting the game completely. But somehow, things in the group started changing. Your invitation came at exactly the right time, and without you even knowing it, you pulled me back again.

I truly felt all the effort you put in afterward, and only later did I slowly realize how much space you had quietly given me — easing so many of my hesitations while still respecting every decision I made. I was deeply touched by that quiet kind of gentleness and understanding, more than you probably ever knew.

I’ve played many games before, but I had never experienced someone treating me with such kindness. It was the first time I realized that even the world inside a game could carry warmth.

And honestly… I truly truly felt your gentleness and care. (Though sometimes I secretly wondered if you treated everyone this nicely too, lol.) But my rational side warned me very early on that I could not cross the line.

When you said certain things reminded you of me when you were outside, when you intentionally asked how I had been lately, when you said you remembered promises I never even asked you to make… I could never respond properly to any of it. Because I could not give you false hope. I could never allow myself to hurt you. The person who could not properly stay beside you or care for you was me. There is a wall inside me made of steel — one that cannot be broken or crossed.

I kept gently pushing you away, not because I wanted attention or to “keep someone around,” but because I didn’t want things to become strange. Maybe you never even had feelings for me in the first place, and if that were true, I would feel even more ashamed. And the reason I never shared my worries with you was because I wanted your gaming world to remain a place where you could relax, without being burdened by my problems. Some pain is enough for one person to carry alone.

I’m very sorry for telling you that you were my “timely rain.” I should have kept those words only in my prayers. I’m sorry. If I hadn’t been so emotionally fragile at that time, maybe I wouldn’t have said things so carelessly. I know the things I said afterward probably shocked you even more. I felt helpless, and all I could do was keep reminding myself not to lose control.

I believe afterward, you tried hard to cool down my feelings. You didn’t immediately push me away like I was crazy, and I could feel that you wanted me to stay safely within the boundaries of the game. After some time, I realized it wasn’t that I was unwilling to remain just gaming friends. I genuinely thought we could become real friends.

I believed my wall would keep everything safe, but I was wrong. I thought we could casually talk about real life, but somehow I accidentally crossed your boundary. That day, when you explained and reframed all the beautiful memories from before, it hurt me deeply. Why did you have to erase all those beautiful moments too?

I could feel you shutting me out. I was sad, but I want you to know that I was never angry at you. I don’t blame you for explaining things the way you did. If I hadn’t carelessly talked about the deer in the park that day, maybe none of this would have happened. Once again, I regret speaking without thinking.

And in the end, there wasn’t even a proper goodbye. You closed the door completely.

Sometimes I wonder whether you ever had feelings for me at all, or if everything was simply my own imagination. But if you asked whether I had feelings for you, my answer would honestly be yes. I don’t even know when it began, but those feelings truly existed. Reality was simply too cruel, and so this feeling became like a meteor — beautiful for a moment, but painfully brief.

But more than anything, I want you to know this: even if we can never be together, your appearance in my life reminded me that deep inside my heart, there are still places another person can reach — even when separated by thousands of miles.

You made me realize that people as gentle, thoughtful, and protective as you truly exist in this world. And I also want you to know: you deserve to be loved. Someone truly did see your kindness.

Thank you for telling me about your faith. Actually, we share the same faith. Maybe this was simply one of God’s special arrangements. Even though it hurts, it reminded me once again that both you and I deserve to be loved. You were someone God sent to comfort me, and I hope my appearance in your life was also a timely rain for you — even if it turned you into a soaked puppy instead, lol. Still, I believe God’s arrangements are always the best.

By the way… is your name Brian?

I’m truly glad I met you.

I will wait until the day you can speak to me again — even if it’s only about games. As long as you’re okay again, I’ll feel at peace.

“She’s a real person, and she is a warm cup of tea too.”

— Matcha will always be here.