I'm not sure what's wrong with me or if I'm just messed up. I'm not really asking for advice here because I know I need therapy or meds but both of them have made it worse in the past so I'm not sure if this is just venting or a cry for help so I do apologize.
I just feel like I'm falling so far behind everyone else in life. Like, I have money. Finally making it in life. Moved out. My own place. No parents, no sibling,I can do what ever I want when I want.Drink, smoke, drugs, sleep, stay up, go out or stay in. Home cooked or takeout.Just me and myself. No friends. I don't want many friends as we all know how that goes. I should be living the dream. The big life. A job I tolerate that can make bank later and be my own boss. A cat that I treat as my own flesh and blood.
Yet I lay here on the couch like the sad little fuck I am wishing for death every second I can. I can't escape it. I'm seeing everyone else so far ahead with so much less. Married, happy, kids, friends parties land, building their own house. Cars bikes boats. The list goes on and on yet I want my life to end. How the fuck am I failing and falling so far behind everyone. I'm just pissed and depressed every day.
Ever since I moved it feels like I just lost everything . I'm all alone like I said besides my cat. I try to get along with the guys at work but they don't really do anything besides drink outside of work hours which I'm trying to stay away from drinking since it just makes everything worse. I've tried going out meeting new people but everyone just eventually walks away or ignores me. I've tried the dating apps and friendship apps but never actually match with a person, it's always some fake profile or I never get a message back after messaging them. I just feel like my life is pointless. Ever since I was 13 I never thought I'd make it to the next year let alone the next week. I know I practically set my life up for failure since the beginning but I want to fix it but I'm not sure how . As I said before therapy made it far worse and I've been on meds my whole life that ended up just making me sick and not feel better . Idk if this goes against th rules or not but I just need to tell someone other than my friends that say "think of how that would make us feel"