u/Master_Ari

I’m listening to some of my favorite cafe jazz and herbalist shop ambience while working. It is one of the few small changes I have made - to incorporate a little bit of what I hide beneath out into the open space of my office.

I have been so afraid for so long to be open and expressive. I think that is a fear we ALL can relate to.

This year…the shift I am experiencing is pealing that fear away. I have been here many times before…sitting on this same step, drinking this same mug, listening to the same sort of music and dreaming about what it would be like to make this reality.

But this time feels different. I am not claiming to be perfect or that I have figured it all out. I have my dark moments still…my shadows still rise when they are neglected. What has changed, though, is how “still” I feel.

Not in fear. Not in contemplation. Not even in question. Just….calm and confident. Like the wait is almost over, and I can feel what is coming is something I am aligned with so deeply it brings me serenity and peace.

I cannot name it. Like most things it resonates without words. Without purpose. Just….a warmth that I can feel building…pulling and guiding.

Then, in this same dream of being up early in the morning…drying herbs on a Sunday and getting my cafe ready for next week….a gentle voice drifts in on the wind.

“Why are you still waiting?”

Am I still waiting? I know what it is asking. “Why are you waiting for permission? The dream is yours.”

Sometimes we can feel like we are growing, like we have completed the work and are stuck between phases. That has been my space for….I don’t know, quite some time though.

But now the shift is starting to put the pieces together. I can see the dream more clearly, and I can see what has stopped me from reaching it.

I have heard “getting in your own way” many, many times. I never really understood it. But…I think now I can begin to understand.

“So what do I do?” I ask back openly. “Where do I go? Will you show me?”

It’s like being on the edge of your seat at the end of a book, knowing the next tomb is ready to go. The story goes on even after turning the final page, and you can begin to see the end that draws nearer.

“Why AM I still waiting? What truly holds me back from working towards this dream?”

It’s everything I thought I knew. Everything that I am still afraid of losing. But most importantly it’s because I still believe that I will fail.

“Well then. Maybe I just try without expecting anything…and see what happens.”

Set the empty mug down…and pick up a brush.

I have just realized why my employment feels so wrong now.

Outside of the general shift of my interests, I have been feeling ill and “boxed-in” when I walk into my office.

I have been with this company for 7 years. Recently, I had to fight against a bad manager to be taken out of his influence. I was working hard and doing most of his job (he’s a remote manager) training up the team as the senior representative in my department.

But then he back-stabbed me when I needed him to look out for me. So I pulled my strings to move back to my old department.

The first few months were peaceful. But a major shift in my perception of my personal growth has been throwing out buffers against things that I no longer need, or that hold no meaning for me anymore.

And when I ignore it the symptoms become worse.

So I did not understand why my office or my work was beginning to show these signs. I have a lot of financial and emotional stress in my life currently, so I approached this as “burn-out” and did my usual self care towards myself. I brought a candle. Drank warm tea. Put on my favorite cafe jazz music. And just vibed.

That worked for about a week before the symptoms began to eat through even that.

So something is VERY off. I am definitely no longer where I need to be, but I have invested so much into this role. Finding another job right now is a terrifying idea. We are up against AI, a war is on-going (stupid ridiculous war that I despise), and inflation is through the roof. It is, in all strategic sense, the WORST time to leave a stable and secure job.

But what do you do when it feels like staying there is slowly splitting you open from the inside out?

I despise AI. Not that I despise it as a tool (I think used in moderation and within reason it is alright) but the extent it is being taken to is out of control. My wife and I have watched news surrounding it…and it is frightening, to say the least. The future I can perceive if humanity follows this path….is a very dark one.

In some ways I can see AI as an Antichrist of sorts.

I just read an article this morning about a massive datacenter that secretly (and illegally) siphoned 29 million gallons of water from a residential resource. So much that it affected the water pressure in people’s homes.

And they are getting away with it.

It is….infuriating. All of this in the name of AI? It makes no logical sense. What is the world going to do when there are no jobs…no resources….and no income?

Will AI fill your stomach and shelter you? Will it give you a purpose to exist? I think not.

And then, I finally understood the feeling at work. The majority of the profit and work we have been getting…is to contribute building these data centers.

…I am sitting with that this morning. I have been wanting to move away from technology for a few weeks now. My wife and I have slowly pulled away from it, and the result has been double sided.

But maybe…there is another reason it makes me ill…makes me feel anxious and restless….makes me want to leave my job and move away from the city life.

Maybe…it’s because whatever is coming is something to move away from.