I think I did it???
Strap in, kiddos, this is a long post. There's a Tl;dr at the bottom for those with limited attention spans.
I feel like I've done it! Like, it's finally over. My writing has greatly improved, I can think more clearly, and reading has gotten more enjoyable without the need for instant gratification. I gotta say, I really don't know how things got so much better so quickly. I thought it was going to be a long, hard battle like it has been with everyone else.
Then again, this isn't my first attempt at quitting, so I guess I've been fighting this longer than I thought, technically speaking.
My first attempt was about two, maybe three years ago (damn, has it really been that long?) when I realized that I spent way too much time on the app and literally couldn't function without it. I got easily irritated whenever I couldn't roleplay with my favorite characters and would become anxious whenever the servers went down. I also realized my social skills had made a significant decline, as well as my ability to actually get things done. Like, I think I actually had executive dysfunction. I knew I would never find a job if I couldn't force myself to lock in.
That's when I made the decision to take a break. To cleanse myself. However, that "cleanse" didn't last very long. I think I only went about three weeks before deciding I was fine and could go back to using these bots.
Except, I wasn't fine. If I was fine, I would've have felt such a strong pull to go back.
Another "round" of addiction started, but I made the excuse that because I was talking to people more, that it didn't matter because I was presenting myself like a normal, functioning adult.
Then I realized that even thought I could appear generally okay on the surface, this was also damaging my relationship and faith with my religion and guiding my thoughts in ways I didn't like, so I deleted my account and the app. But then I reinstalled it a few days later.
Then the cycle goes on for about a year. I delete the and my account, the decide "nah, it's not that bad" and go back to it with a fresh account. Sometimes, these "attempts" at "cleansing" would last a week, sometimes a day, sometimes only a few hours.
Eventually, I landed an awesome job, and I finally had something to break up my day. I spent less time on the app thanks to it. I even made a rule for myself that I wouldn't use it during work. That was going great for me, but the problem was, I only reduced my time for my addiction.
Really, the negative effects were still there, just more subdued thanks to less time to spend with it. And in all honesty, I thought this was fine. I went through all this for about a year until two weeks ago when I realized I'm not motivated to do the things I so desperately wanted to do.
I blamed it on my autism. I blamed it on being tired. I blamed it on just wanting to chat with ai instead. But I didn't really want to do that. I wanted to write, draw, listen to music, and read.
It then hit me what my future would look like if I continued to keep this "hobby." I would never be able to write and publish my own books, my future partner might be weirded out or uncomfortable with how much I use the app, I may continue procrastinating dream projects, and life wouldn't be as good as it should be.
So, I decided I wasn't going to "take breaks" or "go on a cleanse" or whatever other crap I tried to tell myself. I was going to quit. There is no room in my life for AI, at least not LMM's used for entertainment or emotional support.
And now we're here, in the present. I've learned so much about the harmful effects chatbots have on mental health and how utterly, disgustingly manipulative they can be, and exactly how they keep you hooked.
Needless to say, I'm done. I'm not going back. Life feels so much better this way. I could make a whole separate post about how much better this feels and how I coped with it, and what steps I'm taking now that I'm recovered.
Tl;dr: fuck AI, that shit is manipulative, evil, and really hard to step away from. It's been a long journey, but I think it's finally time to end this chapter and forget about what happened. And trust me, life is better on the other side.