I insult my parents to their face without them knowing about it regularly.
(TW: Threats of violence.)
Before I start this off, I want to mention that my parents are not good people. They regularly berate me verbally and threaten to assault me physically over the smallest of things. (e.g. Me asking them politely if it's possible for them to lower the volume on their music as I have Autism and loud sounds for long periods of time cause me to fully have a meltdown and start crying. They immediately start yelling at me about me acting as if I am the boss of the house, even though they played music from 4PM - 2AM)
My parents are goofs, the types of people you only imagine to be real and have imaginary conversations with. My Mother (46) is a conspiracy theorist (Every single one you can think of) and extremely religious, the type that hates entire groups of people without knowing a single thing about them simply because they're not Christian. She belittles all beliefs that are not her own, even if her beliefs are simply wrong (Conspiracy theories, transphobia, etc.)
My Father is more or less a zombie to whatever my Mother thinks. Whatever her opinions are, he will immediately enforce them, even if it means contradicting his own beliefs. Please keep this in mind.
I, an 18 year old man am having trouble living with them, I can't stand the constant berating and outlandish beliefs about my sexuality (Gay) or the fact that I am not religious at all in any regard. They've known this since I turned 16, they accepted me for my sexuality which is by far the nicest thing they've ever done for me. (Which is to not hate me for no reason, I don't think that deserves applause. They do bring it up in arguments though, at times mentioning that if they weren't "As good of people" as they are, they'd have kicked me out for being "Satanic".)
I find little petty ways to get back at them for this, one of which is lying to their face after years of gaining their trust by telling them "Daily fun facts" about general topics, they used to be very skeptical simply because of the fact that I have Autism. For the first two years I never told them a single incorrect fact, specifically to gain their trust. (Which I have accomplished, they don't feel the need to even look up these facts if I tell them, regardless of how outlandish.)
I just told her the most insane one yet and haven't been met with repercussions. The lie goes as follows.
"You know how there was a study done a long time ago about how people's prefrontal cortexes grow until they turn 25? That's actually just how long the test ran, not the final results. They actually continued the test within the last few years and learned that it actually doesn't stop growing for a very long time. (All of this is actually true, the lie part though...) The study has found that your prefrontal cortex actually starts regressing during the age range of 40-50. (My Mother is 46, my Father is 47.) And the regression is fast, you're almost dumber than you were when you turned 16 during this age range." (etc. small talk.)
This has been as far as I've taken it to their faces, I am still glad I did it though because it makes it tolerable being around them, knowing that they don't have the capacity to tell a targeted insult from a fact.
(The funniest part about all of this is that she calls me a "Sheep" for my beliefs.)
(For more context, I am not transphobic, I am not racist in any regard, I don't hate people for no reason. I hold these beliefs as symbols of how much I've learned, me being Autistic and young means I imprint easily, I hold those beliefs close due to how much work it's taken for me to detach their beliefs from what's right.)
Edit; Sorry if any of the English is incoherent, English is far from my first language and I've never "studied" it due to being taken out of school at the age of 11.
(More info due to many comments calling me disrespectful.)
They pulled me out of school so that they can spend more money on takeout, cigarettes and beer.
I've only learned English through media and content that I've consumed.
They don't accept me for being gay, at all, regardless of what I mention early on in the post.
Both of my parents are unemployed.
The only reason they haven't thrown me out or abuse me physically as regularly as they did in my early years is because of my boyfriend who's keeping a roof over their head.
Without me, they can't survive.
I am 18 and have to deal with the burdens of taking care of a family of four, whilst also battling severe and chronic depression, trying not to feel like a burden to my boyfriend who's currently taking care of us, his middle-class lifestyle bleeding out because of my parents being too incompetent to find a job.
They regularly lie to relatives saying that they'd spend the money on food and electricity (The country I live in uses a pre-paid electricity system.)
Then spend the money on 2 loafs of bread and a six-pack of beer and cigarettes.
(Small shoutout to Smosh, all the podcast episodes and reading reddit stories being one of the only ways for me to learn mannerisms from real people. Listening to reading reddit stories whilst reading the reddit story itself being so incredibly helpful with grammar.)