u/Massive-Release3147

That I let you go because you took up too much space in my mind. In my heart. Too close for comfort, literally. And we can both say that it wasn’t like that. And it wasn’t… But what’s it to you that it was still too much; more than I counted on, the fact that you were willing to stay forever. That was too much. The fact that it was real was too much. That we saw it for what it was and chose it still was too much.
Because what’s it to you that this felt exactly how I imagined, but also looked nothing like it… that was the hardest thing to transcend. But I did. And in the end, I still opted out. Because there were other things I couldn’t. Coherent while being seen by you, was one. Because what’s it to you, that I wanted this forever. In whatever shape it took. Because you are you, stood here the entire time and did not flinch. Exactly how I imagined. But dear God, never I would let you see me so vulnerable. So open, so willing, so… aware. Yet choosing it again and again. I was never mistaken. I only realized that I had my heart set upon something that I’d already decided the cost was too high, long before I met you. Life is just cruel in the way it lines things up sometimes. Exactly what I wanted, just barely out of reach.

And I know I will meet someone else and do the things and experience love in a way that I haven’t before. And it will be just as beautiful and this won’t be such an ordeal, but

right now, I’m just soaking up the time in between.

what’s it to you?

Why didn’t you just tell me?

I would've still chosen it

I know this because I say this now.

I would've known how to hold it

How to carry it for sustainability

Because it’s the same

I just had some other difficulties

To work through

But yeah,

You gave me your theory on addiction once

And it planted a seed

And in that story you assumed that if I found out that my spouse had a particular addiction

That I would stay, I would accept it

And in that I said no

I meant no in the way that my option to choose was taken.

Now if I met someone and this was the case

And it was presented to me to make a choice

Then of course.

I see what I am getting into

Or at least that I am getting into...

Why didn’t you just tell me?

Any of it, from the beginning?

I was just trying to figure out how to relate to it.

Not that once it was seen that I would leave

Which is what I think you counted on.

I thwarted your original out.

How many times had that worked in the past?

I wonder if I really think you could have,

Told me.

If that was ever an option.

Or if I am just wondering to wonder.

I also wonder how two people so different

Meet.

Something is the common denominator

The universe cannot match you up with a part of itself

That is not it also.

I wonder what was the same.

The packaging was different

But something was the same.

Im so glad that I didn’t learn this

During you

I would've shared it with you.

I would've given us both what we were here for.

And not that I don’t think you deserve it.

I don’t -

And I don’t mean that the way you read it.

...Why didn’t you tell me?

I was right here,

I only asked to see what I was agreeing to.

You didn’t give us that.

So we let ourselves get too close,

And reality met both of us there.

So we had to retreat to

The spaces within us that keeps us locked in..

Or out,

Depending upon how you look at it.

And that is what it is.

But at any rate I wonder…

Could you have just told me?

Or was I always destined to pick it out like this?

"As my final act of love"

I see myself in your post. Not as the one you’re speaking to directly, but as someone similar. I want to offer another perspective.

You seem genuinely confused as to whether you believe the person knew what they were doing or not. If they had actually forgotten; or if it was a game to them. You questioned the reality of it all. This is the part that feels oddly specific.

As someone on the other side of this equation, to whom these exact words could be written… Let me just say, I am only now understanding how to live life;

and not perform it.  

And with that, there were some things that I was completely blind to. There were common courtesies and considerations I’d merely performed throughout life... And that was enough, as I kept everyone at a certain distance… But when I met someone I wanted to sit next to in life, I realized I could no longer perform and how little I knew.

There were times when I would be completely coherent with ex and they’d be like “oh shit, okay, we’re here...” because they recognized it in me. And then there were times right after, when I would be the opposite, because I couldn’t grasp the understanding of something deemed basic. Which is not a flaw, but I couldn’t even see it before the damage was done.

And there was nothing I could do but live it.

I was never confused.

I was aware of what was unfolding,

yet able to do nothing to interfere with it.

But it was never a game.

This is love…

As I learned it to be.

But not as I see it,

nor as I want to carry it.

That's heavy.

But it's also the shape I was given.

So how do I hold that?

The fact that this too is love to me.

Damn

The difference is, I can see it now.

And it's disorienting to feel a sense of grief

At the awareness here.

And it makes me wonder about you...

But that’s not for me to touch.

So I will let it remain as wonderful as it was

in theory.

Now, what do I do about you?

The one whose existence is love to me?

Do I just tuck you away in the recesses of my mind

And hope to forget everything I experienced here?

That would be a kind of grace.

I will go on and love, as I see it,

Because I cannot unsee it.

I cannot unknow it.

I will align myself accordingly.

Naturally.

But aside from that,

tell me,

do you ever truly reconcile something like this?

You seem resolved.

How do you do it?

What do you tell yourself?

Are you ever…

convinced?

It is not so much that I love you; it’s the feeling that I carry when I'm near you. And I want to be near you all the time.

Forever...

I think.

Because I also carry its opposite the same. You could never know or understand what that feels like.

I needed you to be done, so that I would quit torturing myself this way.

I need peace.

Speaking to you and to love, simultaneously:

What do I do now that I have known you?

What else do I do but miss you? I can give myself that; it always was my favorite part.

I've merely been intrigued with why I've always missed you so bad. I missed you before I met you, and it felt exactly the same as I do right now.

So its not you that I miss.

It is also inverse of the feeling that I have when I'm near you;

it's the longing that I have when I'm not.

So its not you that I long for.

And I have to laugh because I finally recognize that life was giving me exactly what I was asking for this entire time;

You are the experience of it.

This is just what that looked like externally.

It's love;

exactly as I learned it to be...

Damn.