u/Mango_sushicat

 Hey guys so I am aware that I need to talk to my spiritual father about this but I currently don’t have one. I was in a really bad parish community that had turned into a cult. My spiritual father at that time was notorious for counseling people through fear mongering, abuse, and extreme pressure. It was very toxic. I had been married previously and had a child with the man then divorced due to an anger outburst he had at me where he threatened my daughter’s life and put his hands on me plus many years of controlling behaviors by him toward me. My gut has always told me something was off with this guy even from the first day I ever met him.. I’ve literally never been attracted to him but he was the first and only  man in my life that ever made me a priority and seemed externally stable, however flash forward 10 yrs - the guy wouldn’t ever leave me alone even after a divorce and was always waiting to get back together with me and desperately seeking my attention in any way he could. He refused to move on. Being a single mom I received a lot of pressure from this priest to mend our family and get back together with him. He would tell me if I don’t get back and heal the marriage then I am denying God’s love for me and I will burn in hell. Or that if I rejected my cross then God would send me an even bigger one. He strongly believed this man had repented and I just was too full of vanity and pride that I wouldn’t accept him back. I eventually gave into the pressure thinking this was the only way for my salvation. Now we are married and have been struggling non stop. We haven’t been intimate once since we were remarried, even through several times he has tried initiating but I literally can’t… I panic and get sick to my stomach at even just the thought with him. However I know I have a sex drive because I struggle with lust just not toward him. He wants to do literally everything with me, and if I say I need space or time to focus on the kids he pouts and starts to become jealous of the kids. He is very controlling with the kids and nitpicks them for every tiny little thing. He’s constantly correcting everything I say and it feels like my voice doesn’t matter. We’ve been on multiple vacations my parent’s have paid for and he’s spent most of them pouting and being rude to my sister (because he is jealous of my relationship with her). If I try to speak my feelings in a way that is gentle, he just gets defensive or starts to cry… making me feel like I just can’t talk to him about how I feel. And then just continues the same behavior. Everything he does drives me insane. I literally am to a point where I hate him. I will do anything to stay away from him. I feel like I’m being stalked in my own marriage. He is extremely obsessive and controlling. He checks my email. Literally wants to only be around me even when it’s not practical otherwise he becomes angry. He revolves his life entirely around me. He has no interest of his own. I feel suffocated. I knew this would happen. I am afraid to leave because I’ll go to hell or that I can’t take care of the kids on my own financially. I have no idea how to make this work. I literally hate him. I feel like I’m in a pressure cooker constantly and he won’t leave me alone. I feel like I’m not allowed to breathe. I feel paralyzed by this situation. I am in complete despair over it. I wish I could be a normal human and have sex with my husband but I literally can’t. The thought of sends me into a panic. I feel like an object or a prize sexually to him and I am filled with disgust. I just want to have a normal marriage. I feel so guilty that I can’t bring myself to be intimate with him like I used to with him years ago. I hate this guilt and shame that’s weighing me down. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Please help… I’m desperate.