Sorry if my sentences aren't as polished as I wish them to be--I wrote this in the heat of the moment and plus I needed to vent to someone before I lose my fucking mind.
2 days ago, something in me changed. My whole belief in God came crumbling down and I genuinely can't believe in Him anymore. The idea of God and their whole existence makes me sick. And I just realized that atheists have been right all along. A living God wouldn't force you to worship him or else you'll go to hell or make the world suffer. If God really exists, then he doesnt give a fuck about Earth. And you know what? It'll be better that way.
For years now i've been struggling mentally with all sorts of addictions and emotions. I was exposed to porn material through a video game from a young age(8 years old), ruining my development and my parents emotionally abused me and my siblings. I won't go too deep in my life, but a lot of times I felt guilty that I couldn't be normal or have normal thoughts. That i'm lustful and genuinely don't know how to deal with it. My hypersexuality ruined my life and I cried to God so many times before succumbing to it again. My parents on the other hand are devout Catholics but act nothing like what they claim of the Bible. They abused me and my siblings both physically and emotionally and now even though they aren't as harmful anymore, I feel nothing but resentment towards them. I can't honestly believe my mom can force us to pray at night knowing DAMN well she ruined my life. And my dad disgusts me as well. But I am a good actor and will pretend to be on good terms with them.
I've been scrolling thru multiple tiktok videos and watching youtube videos deconstructing Christianity and I can't anymore. I'm so fucking tired of this shit. Before I finally stopped believing in God, I hated Christianity. I was looking for other religions to tie myself into thinking that maybe I would find a better God there but now I realise that I was desperately trying to find a new coping method.... I even began looking into being spiritual. But now I genuinely don't care anymore. I'm tired, angry and confused.
But I'm also feeling guilty. Deep down I hate that I don't believe. Younger me would be so disappointed. Matter of fact, my current journal literally has 'Build a good relationship with God' as one of my goals of 2026 and here I am realising I've genuinely stopped believing. I'm in a Catholic secondary school. I feel so much guilt looking at all the crosses of Jesus Christ and all the religious assemblies and classes we have. On top of that I fear Hell...deeply in my heart. One thing that made me never want to leave religion was the fear of hell. I don't wanna burn for eternity, but at the same time I don't wanna be in heaven too. Sounds like lobotomy. I would rather eternal sleep. Just as how I was before I became conscious.
The existence of God always intrigued me and I always held onto it. Even when I had a lot of doubts about Christianity, I always used to say 'I know there's still a force out there somewhere...maybe they just aren't the God from the Bible or something...' But oh would you look at me now.
I don't know and I don't want to know. Even though I might be lying to myself, I would rather just be clueless. I would rather just live my life not indulge myself with the secrets of the universe. That life isn't for me and I respect those who do have that life. I envy you just like I envy everything else.