u/MamiTomoe_magic

I recently got the gift to speak in tongues. All of a sudden, all heck broke loose. I was doubting myself so much. I thought I was faking my gift out of pressure and being extremely overwhelmed. It got so bad I even covered my ears when my mom put Christian music on. I felt guilty. So guilty that I disappointed her, God, and everyone in the community. I was doubting everything, but I don't want to let go of my faith either. I'm pretty sure that is a HUGE common Christian thing that happens. I was told to attempt tongue speaking again. It was inaudible at first, popping sounds. Then it grew. After it got a bit louder and I was writing and hearing what God and Holy Spirit said, I was told it sounded Italian. 'Presto' It meant 'done, finished'. Slowly, I felt calmer, feeling more confident. I got it. I wasn't faking it after all. I was SO close to losing my gift. Satan cannot take my gift!

Ever had an experience like this???

It hit me hard again. I swear Satan is hitting me harder the closer I get.

I was at my usual biweekly Bible Study. I recently received my gift of speaking in tongue. All of a sudden, all heck broke loose. I am getting so bombarded. Thoughts, questions, etc. started to hit me.

Was I actually faking it or was I actually able to speak in tongue? Was it actually forced or even not really it? I don't want to drop my favorite hyperfixations and special interests. Some are a bit 'uuuh', but I don't act on the sins in real life and don't do those very often. I am scared to lose my boyfriend. He's atheist, but deeply respected me and even gave me a rosary necklace during his cruise trip a few weeks ago. He is slowly reaching me and I hope he reaches God too. But, I would shatter if I lose him. I am in love with my boyfriend and I want him in my life with God. No one else. I don't want to be called "boring" (Related to the interests part above). I don't want to constantly be Christian, listen to only Christian and completely avoid everything else I enjoy. I fear being called "boring" and I fear constantly hyperfixating on Christian things will dry up fast and make me lose interest and forget everything. I don't want to be alone. Why I love my boyfriend. I don't want to go through heartbreak again. And what if I lose him? I would definitely shatter. What if God gives me someone perfect for a Christian, but I don't feel a connection with said person? What if someone pressures me I have to pick said person? I want a godly marriage and relationship, but still want to be happy to share my special interests fully. I rarely talk to people if they don't share what I like. If they don't share interests (like video games, anime, or even fandoms), I don't get interested in talking to them much unless I have to.

Yeah, I could go on all night and day with my mental fight. It hurts so much. I need insight about what I should do. I do plan to go to church again. I am trying to pray and read my Bible more. I anoint myself if I can remember (I definitely do it at work before I start my shift). Whatever my Christian road map is, it is DEFINITELY smacking me around. I am trying hard to focus on my map, and no one elses'. It is hard, making me think if I'm just delaying myself and should go faster.