u/Maleyuwu

I just left dinner with my boyfriends family and burst into tears the minute we got in the car. My head has been pounding all day, Im so god damn tired, i feel nauseous, I think im having heart palpitations, and the ringing in my ears is so loud. My mother in law passed last week, and I need to be strong for the family but I miss her so terribly bad and I am in such horrible pain. My boyfriend made me go to bed as soon as we got home, I think its because he doesn't believe me and he just doesn't want to see me looking miserable. No one ive talked to believes me when I say it's bad, doctors tell me to take supplements, my mom keeps trying to get me to go see naturopaths, my boyfriend tells me everyone is in pain and that's just what happens to adults. Its been I think 3 years now, I cant remember when it started anymore. I was 22 or 23. Ive seen so many doctors, had so many blood tests, because thats all they's do for me for th3 first year, and everytime I see a new doctor they send me for a blood test. I still cry in the waiting room because im still scared of needles. The blood tests still hurt everytime. My tests have always came back perfect, one doctor told me i have the results of a teenager. I was told to go for walks everyday, reduce screen time, get sunlight, go outside during my breaks for work, take vitamin c, d, b12, and iron. I did, none of them helped, one of my blood tests showed an iron overload, so I stopped. Then the anxiety talk started rolling in. Every doctor ive seen since has blamed my anxiety. I was put on esotalipram, and then gained 60lbs in 6 months. I just switched to welbutrin, hopefully i can get my weight under control. I was finally sent for a ct near the end of the first year, came back with a calcified mass, and was told it was nothing. Another doctor said maybe it was sleep apnea, took 3 sleep tests. No sleep apnea. Was told maybe its upper airways resistance syndrome. Ive slept with a CPAP for over a year now and I feel the same. Another doctor didnt know what the calcified mass was, so he sent me to a neurosurgeon, who sent me for a MRI, then told me the calcified mass wasn't a problem and sent me on my way. Went back to the same doctor and he told me its anxiety again, I told him I had been on esotalipram for a few months. He told me medication doesn't help anxiety. OK. So he sent me to a hypnotherepist. I spent $500 for him to send me a relaxation recording and teach me some subconscious thing thats supposed to fix my triggers. I dont understand it, its hard for me to understand anything these days, but I dont have the energy to argue about it, so I do it everyday and in our appointments once a month I tell him that i feel the same. I got a new doctor last month, he says it might be Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension. I have every single one of the symptoms for it, but I also had all of the symptoms for sleep apnea. He said he sent a referal, so now im waiting for a neurologist to call me. It just hit me last week that maybe i just have regular ol migraines that regular pain killers arent touching. And im miserable. Im so fucking miserable. I've never wanted to die in my life but its different now. Im useless and in pain and now im obese. Im so fucking depressed. I dont know what the point of this was. I've been crying for almost 2 hours now, and I dont even really know why anymore. I just wish I knew what to do, and I wish anyone would believe me and not just think im being lazy and hysterical. I want to live my life so badly. Sorry for typos.