Missing someone I shouldn’t help
I’m honestly so grateful I met my ex because he took care of me when I wasn’t able to take care of myself & he had so much patience with me, the type of patience that my mother doesn’t even have with me. He made me feel physically safe, loved, and cared for. I don’t know how I could miss someone who treated me so horribly and I still don’t understand how he showed me soo much affection, empathy, care, patience, peace, and at the same time he was entertaining other girls, his ex, other men, etc. anythjng with a pulse. I became soo obsessed with the people he cheated on me with to the point where I’d have nightmares about them every night. His ex specifically was a huge obsession for me, I would go on her instagram page and workout and cry every single morning, until eventually months of obsession with the gym and anxiety (and control, weighing out food, this turned into 1hr+ on the stairmaster every single day while eating under 900 cal😍every single day so basically I almost died) I never really thought I was “fat”. And it was never ever about being skinny for me, I really just wanted to feel loved and noticed idk ? I found comfort in control and I finally felt like I was doing something good for myself. There’s still so many feelings about this that I don’t understand, I still don’t understand how he got with (his gf at the time) in front of me, flew me out to see him, INTRODUCED ME TO ALL HIS FRIENDS AS HIS GF(ALL WHILE THEY ALL KNEW HE WAS SEEING ANOTHER GIRLLLL THE ENTIRE TIMEEEEE) anyways he still showed me a great time and he showed me a different side of life that I never ever would’ve experienced before. He showed me different parts of the world, he showed me different emotions that I’ve never felt so deeply before. I still think about him so often and I wonder if he thinks about me
BUT I shouldn’t miss him because he has put his hands on me in rage and he has harmed me multiple times. I never did anything about it and I won’t ever do anything about it.