I'm 18(M). Life's been getting worse and worse for the past ~4 years. I've my finals in like 8 months, but not only have I barely finished anything of my 11-12 academics, I barely have any foundational understanding of the concepts as I have only studied before exams for a few days all throughout the past 4-5 years. I've taken a gap year because I haven’t had touched books all throughout 11-12 except before exams, all of which I failed, but I've already wasted several months in this extra year as well. My parents wants me to get in a good university but it seems impossible to me because I genuinely can't study properly due to mental health issues, which my family can't seem to understand. To them, I just don’t have determination/discipline, which I agree to.
I used to use religion as a coping mechanism before, but I'm no longer a believer. I feel suffocated among my religious family members. I can't tell them to stop nagging me about religious nonsense because they're not open minded.
I feel like I'm wasting my life staying in home all day, but I don’t want to go out and do anything either. I want to get a gf, but I don’t even want to try at all. It seems to exhausting to me.
I genuinely don’t see any meaning in my life. I have absolutely no purpose or goals. I don’t have any hobbies to spend time in.
I'm deeply insecure about everything in me and I want to be better, but I don’t feel like trying to be better. I'm stuck in cycle of trying to get better for a day or two, then falling back to old ways for a week or two, and this has been going on for the past four or so years.
I don’t really feel like living but I have absolutely no desire to die either.