Advice/ dispelling diseases/Becoming a devotee of Santa Muerte
I’m completely new to all of this, but I would really like to start building a relationship with Santa Muerte and I’m looking for genuine advice from people who are experienced. Please be kind because this is extremely personal to me.
Recently, I got genetic testing done because my mother has SCA2, a very serious neurodegenerative disease. The test was done through saliva and I found out in a really cold and honestly incorrect-feeling way. For example, the foundation for this disease offers the free testing -> you go through company for genetic testing / counseling -> they order the test, you test at home -> send to a lab. But in my case, i waited WEEKS and nothing. I called the genetic testing / counseling company they tell me they don't have the results but to call the lab. I called the lab they say the results were posted weeks ago and sent to the foundation. WTF? Like why didn't i get them first? anyways.. they send me the results it says im a carrier.
My family and even my heart are telling me to retest through blood later on because usually diagnosing things like this involves multiple MRIs, neurologists, etc. The test I took was mostly to see if I’m a carrier, but I seriously doubt everything right now and feel confused and devastated. I’m only 20 years old.
I should probably explain why I feel drawn toward Santa Muerte specifically. When I was around 14-16, I became heavily interested in spirituality, deities, tarot, manifestation, white magic, etc. I worked with Aphrodite and Maa Kali especially. I genuinely believe the mind is powerful and that thoughts can shape reality in ways people underestimate.
During that time, I was going through horrible things. Covid happened, I didn’t even get to finish a full normal year of high school, I was being cyberbullied, depressed, suicidal, and I was also caregiving for my very sick mother. Despite everything, I tried really hard to mature emotionally. I would tell myself things like people hurting you is a reflection of them, not you and I would focus on self--improvement and spirituality.
Around that time, I started having random dreams involving skulls and owls. Eventually, I began dreaming about Santísima Muerte herself. I remember explaining these dreams to a friend whose mother is a devotee, and she told me that she's calling out to me. But honestly, I got scared.
I had heard terrifying stories online like sacrificing babies or loved ones, and as a kid that pushed me away completely. I didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t.
Then when I turned 20, my life turned so upside down.
My mother was put on hospice even though she wasn’t actively dying at the time. My family didn’t really understand what hospice actually meant. My dad genuinely thought it just meant nurses helping care for her at home. My mom weighed under 80 pounds at this point. Before hospice she was not bedridden, but afterward she became bedridden and was given doses of morphine. When we questioned it, they told us it was basically a watered down version and not strong like surgery morphine.
Then my mom stopped talking.. stopped recognizing me.
This destroyed me because she used to call me “mama” since I took care of her so much. Suddenly she didn’t know who I was anymore.
Another thing that deeply affected me was that my mom would randomly tell me, La calavera.. ahí está detrás de ti” the skull behind you " but only when we were alone together. I would get really unsettled but part of me was like she's already having memory loss maybe she's imagining things.
I miss my mom so much. I’ve spent most of my life longing for a mother figure and I genuinely have a deep mother wound. That’s part of why this feels so emotional and serious to me.
The night before I got my genetic results, I had a dream that I was drowning, but I felt peaceful. But... this l especially shook me because when I was around 12 years old, I actually drowned in real life. I was underwater for a long time. There was no lifeguard around and a janitor cleaning nearby ended up saving me. I’m still grateful to him to this day.
At first drowning hurt horribly. Your lungs burn and you panic thinking I’m going to die.. you fight to get up.. But eventually something changed. I stopped fighting it and suddenly it felt peaceful. I remember hearing my grandfather’s voice in Spanish saying, It’s not your time yet. I KNOW it was him instantly because I couldn't remember his voice.. he passed when I was 4. It was also dark outside already, around 6 PM, but I swear I saw light. Then suddenly I felt pain in my lungs again and realized I was back near the shallow side of the pool.
For years afterward I wasn’t scared of death or drowning anymore because of how peaceful it felt after acceptance.
Before my results came in, I also kept having random dreams throughout this past week involving Santa Muerte even when I wasn’t actively thinking about her. I dreamed I was visiting my mom at her nursing home. Through the window I saw darkness and smoke underneath it. I walked closer to the window like put my whole face on the window and saw Santa Muerte so clearly standing there. I gasped, backed away from the window, and woke up immediately.
That was the moment I thought: maybe I should stop ignoring this.
Between the dreams, the owls, my mom mentioning skulls behind me, and this overwhelming feeling in my heart, I finally decided I want to begin.
I really don’t believe I’m destined to suffer exactly the way my mother did. I plan to retest eventually through blood after some time has passed because emotionally this has shattered me.
But more than anything, I feel desperate for comfort, guidance, and a motherly presence in my life. I know Santa Muerte is not something to play with casually and I take this very seriously.
Does anyone have genuine advice for a complete beginner approaching respectfully? Or does anybody have any similar stories?
I truly feel in my heart that she may help mend the broken parts of me. But I also do want to petition her that I am not a carrier for this disease, I don't know a lot of her but somehow I have so much faith in her i can't explain it it's like so deep I know she can protect me and I will respect her, love her and treat her like my mother. I always thought I was going to die before 21 like an intuition. When I got the results all I thought about was that.. this is the reason i'm not making it past 21. But i'm honestly reframing this shit my old self will die before i'm 21 not my body. Idk if this is the right thinking but i'm ready to dive into this.
Please don't me mean or rude to me about this and I am so sorry if I come across as uneducated. I'm trying my best to learn.