I'm just writing some thoughts here if that is ok.
About a year ago I got saved, but was living with my ex girlfriend at the time who believes in paganism. About 5-6 months ago I had left.
My heart is a little torn, but being mended. I had gone to visit last night to get the rest of my stuff out of her house and prayed for her a bit and kinda of tried my best to explain the gospel to her to see if there is anything in there to get her to try again.
Non the less I feel like I'm "supposed to cut things off and just move on already do I got my stuff". She's been hurt so much In her life and for whatever reason her relationship with God just never worked for her, so she has turned to her pagan god. (Idol) Whatever.
She is afraid to try again, because she says she doesn't have it in her to have her heart broken. Wether by God or another relationship.
She also has health problems and some depression..
Also her kid is coming to visit soon. I pray for them both..
Anyways further context is I suppose we were "common law married" and I had lived with her for about a year and half maybe close to 2.
When I got saved I fell into a lot of fear and condemnation. I had gotten anointed at church and I felt it got way worse. Not much longer after that was when I left because the Intense fear and attacks made me assume that was God telling me to leave or I was basically gonna die or go to heck.
I have struggled so much to discern between Scripture. I studied Corinthians 7 about marriage and how the if the unbelieving spouse wants to leave let them leave but the believer shouldn't divorce. I also wrestle with being unequally yolked. What company does Christ have with the devil. I also think of hosea. I also wrestled with the fact that most people don't recognize common law as biblical or covenant by the eyes of God. Yet I had foolishly proposed still before God when I was hardly a true believer. I had also at a time thought to God I'm gonna stay and help her get you health back and lead her to God. So I wrestle between keeping my vows, but feel they were in vein or not valid.
Anyways I've gone through a long season of just being single, fasting, and repentance. 2 particular fasts I thought I heard God say "go and heal her" and another one "was to go back marry and reconcile" after reading Ephesians. Part of the context I believe was ch 5, something about husbands giving themselves as Christ gave himself for the body of the church.
I can't really explain it but these fasts and scriptures has really shown me how cruel and wicked I had been, and have lead me to deep heart break and repentance. Anyways I already moved out at this point, and it doesn't make sense to go back into an unequally yoked relationship. At this point it just seems like I should move on for good. A few things just break my heart and I feel responsible for leading her on and switching up once I realized I needed to get right with God. I also feel responsible for basically abandoning her to her mom's house and just leaving her to her depression and messiness.
There's no good men in their lives, and I wish I could inspire her to give God one last chance. I just realized I can't save people. And regret leaving. But part feels like that's what I had to do. I felt like it was cruel. Also we have remained friends since and still obviously care about each other but I'm walking a different path and cannot turn from God. But yeah we still texted pretty regularly and would visit just to talk on occasion, and I would try share some of my experiences or read the Bible with her a bit. She was always open to what I believe and never prevented me from following God. If anything I persecuted her for believing in paganism and her idol. Which I mean being a Christian I obviously don't agree with but idk maybe things could have been handled differently.
She was getting a little better when I was there. Idk Im just mad at myself, and I try to follow God so hard and sometimes feel like I just have to burn down everything I love and forsake everyone I care about to pursue my own holiness. Non the less the Lord has put me in many situations to serve and preach to people since I've been just doing my own thing.
Like I said I just had to go through a lot of repentance and really reflecting on what I needed to change in my heart, and am still growing closer to God even though I've been struggling with some stress and anger. But I've been slowly recovering. I just hate to see her in the condition she is and wish I could give her the help she needs, but she has to want it yk? Also I feel like I've gotten to the point where I don't know if it is good to stay friends or not, or If I should just let it go. I still feel like I can be nice and encourage her and be there if she needs anything. (Plead for the widow) My only issue was it felt like maintaining a false hope or maybe it was holding me back from moving on like texting everyday when we're not dating. But on the flip side I should stop thinking about my selfish self a bit and consider hey, IF it is still beneficial for her and could potentially lead her to God someday it cant be bad to still be a friend.
Sorry this is long on kind of a mess, I don't know anyone who has gone through a situation like this. I hope this shows my heart? Also I expect to be criticized. God has really shown me a lot of the wickedness in my heart through our this. I just want to please Him but sometimes I feel like I'm alone and trying to save everyone around me but I'm only one person. Sometimes I want to just run away to make sure I'm good enough to be saved. But then again I can't earn it. Anyways God bless and thank you to anyone who actually reads this. Feel free to reply.