truthfully I held back from writing that I did want to talk to her...that I love her so much it makes me feel sick to my stomach that I just couldn't be what she deserved. here's what I wrote with the name blanked out as well as her reply:
Dear XXX,
I’ve been contemplating this email for a few weeks/months now. It took me a while to fully process the way I was feeling and what led me to the decision to end our relationship so abruptly. I am really disappointed with how I handled it overall, and I hope this email provides you with the clarity you deserved then and still do now. You do not have to read or even engage with this email if it is potentially triggering, you just don't want to hear it or whatever it may be haha.
The way I ended our relationship was selfish. I worry it left you potentially believing I saw you as a large portion of the problem, that you totally isolated me, that I was not fully aware of the sacrifices you had made, and lastly - that you did not make me happy anymore. I am aware that was how I painted it at the time, but that wasn't the case. (The whole setting myself free spiel, albeit what I felt at the time, was selfish and just stupid really.)
My reasoning was far more complex, and I’ve been holding off on telling you because:
Ultimately I’m the dumper who wanted to go no-contact
I ended the relationship incredibly selfishly - it was cold hearted and I essentially abandoned you
I did not want to stunt your growth and progression, and worried that me reaching out would be an anchor to your progress
The real reason was me - my lack of ability to resolve problems that came my way in the relationship, my own insecurities and emotional problems I chose to neglect. I struggled with a general burnout, the way I isolated myself as a result of poor communication, not making you feel assured so I caged myself in…and more I’m sure but this is the overall gist.
I don’t know what it was, because it was not for lack of care or love for you, but I was no longer able (or rather; I felt stuck - 'not able' doesn't acknowledge my personal responsibility) to improve myself and become more communicative in the relationship to meet your needs and strengthen the foundations of our partnership. I really struggled with this, and so did you as I could sense the growing disappointment, strain and lack of trust in me. It began to really upset me that I just couldn’t quite grasp how to approach fixing these issues, that I eventually closed off as a coping mechanism.
I’m also appalled by my poor communication at times because words are not something I’m short of. However, sometimes I can hit mental blocks where none of the words come out, all these incoherent thoughts are rushing through my head and none of them are rational - and that is pretty much what I hit repeatedly throughout our relationship.
Instead of trying to break my thoughts down, I just panicked and caged myself in. I didn't explain the way I felt properly, I made it difficult for you to understand what I was going through - and whilst communication was relatively poor on both ends - I was such a confusing pain in the ass.
I also did not present things to you in a constructive manner when I did express the way I felt. For example: ‘Ask me more questions.’ I continued to torture you with this, expressing I felt like you had no interest in me, and then we had this constant back and forth where you said you really struggled with this, and I repeated it feels like you just aren't interested. This is just a minor analogy for a wider problem in our relationship - but what I really should've explained is that I struggle to talk about simple things like my day, how I am feeling etc without that prompt. I should've made more of an effort to give you that prompt to pose to me - finding that middle ground. I just didn't do this; we didn't do this. I think it was a product of us both being overwhelmed with everything going on and we ran into the same problems of feeling mutually neglected, despite loving one another very much.
My general lack of ability to resolve conflict meant I felt really stuck, and like I was fixed in this cycle of hurting you over and over. My personal insecurity harming our intimacy, and consequently contributing to your insecurity mean't I felt like I had no choice but to abandon ship. I was so upset I had built you up and then broken you down again due to my own unresolved issues, that in the tube I felt like I had to disappear. However, walking off like that and messaging you afterwards was dreadfully cruel.
You deserve a major apology for that, and whilst I believe it was the correct decision, as you rightfully noted; the execution was sadistic and immature.
My personal insecurity is also something that I need to work on as it deeply impacted our relationship. It affected intimacy, it affected the way I held myself back whilst we were together, and it meant I projected a lot of my personal issues onto you - which as someone who was also quite insecure - was quite harmful. This is something I still need to work on, but whilst we were dating I was convinced you were just too good for me; too beautiful, too caring, too kind and so forth.
I also went above and beyond trying to unpack, carry the weight of, and unsuccessfully resolve any issues you had. This led to burn out, and me causing more harm than good in the last few months of our relationship. I didn't plan dates enough because I worried you would hate them. I abandoned all of my hobbies because I invested all my emotional time into you - thinking I wasn't really good for anything else. I took every mistake I made deeply personally, and got so hung up on how much that mistake made me a 'terrible person' rather than trying to understand what led me to doing it in the first place.
I blamed a lot of this on you, and that was deeply unfair. I didn't really try to fix how I felt about myself, I invested too much time into worrying about the relationship that I neglected my friendships, hobbies and essentially isolated myself. Whilst there were other aspects: such as you being overprotective, both of us going through a terrible time and so on, but I need to acknowledge the part I played in fuelling that overprotectiveness. I was making my own life harder by not figuring out how to communicate with you in a way that worked for us both.
Lastly, and I believe this is correlated to the relationship but other factors as well, your personal growth came to a halt. Your sense of self worth, the effort you put into your education and hobbies etc all began to decline. I think I could have done a much better job in supporting you, especially when it came to you feeling more confident in yourself eg) using slang, listening to certain music styles, as I am aware I could be unknowingly judgemental. I am sorry for ridiculing the way you spoke at the beginning of our relationship, not quite understanding the social nuances and experiences you had that I lacked the resources to understand at the time. It was unfair, ignorant and a bit of classic posh wankery from me.
I think ending the relationship has allowed you to stand on your own two feet a bit more, as you no longer have to worry about whether I'm disappointing you, in hospital, etc.. It also forces change. We entered the relationship at 14, both in bad places mentally, and I hope ending that chapter has allowed you to see things differently and feel less constrained. I never even thought about how the relationship was preventing you from taking more ownership of your life.
I do really cherish the time we had together. You are the most amazing person I have ever met and probably ever will meet. I really hope this email doesn't come across as selfish and self-centred (which is how I came across many times in our relationship) and instead provides you with that clarity you should've gotten 3 months ago. It wasn't all my fault or all your fault, but I felt it was right to acknowledge my many shortcomings. I do feel very guilty for how I ended things, and I really hope you're doing alright - though I strongly believe you are. You're so smart and gifted, and I hope you'll be able to flourish.
This isn't me seeking to regain more frequent contact, and I'm terribly sorry if this email was greatly unwanted. You do not have to reply or even acknowledge this obviously. I just wanted you to know that I should've acknowledged what you gave up for me a bit more - and provide some explanations I wish I gave months if not years ago. This email is not to say I want to try again and that I'm completely fixed (far from), but I do still love you and believe you at least deserve something that sets you free from the potential guilt or burden of the relationship. I also know you like to overthink.
I wish you the best of luck with your exams and a happy very early birthday. I won't contact you then so as to not cast a cloud on your special day, but I really do wish you the best with everything.
Wishing you the best,
XXX
and here is her reply:
Hi XXX,
Thank you for this email, it gave me the last bit I needed to officially move on. I’m proud of you for being able to send this email, I know it must’ve been difficult. But, I also am proud of you for being able to communicate it all to me. Better late than never, right?
I am very well aware of my contributions to many things and since then I have been working on everything. I apologise for everything I've done. But I don't regret the time we had together.
I do wish you the best on your exams and thank you for the early birthday wishes.
I hope you continue to take care of yourself. You’ll always be my first love.
Kind regards,
XXX