I gamble on online casinos often. I'm typically depositing between $1k-3k per session with about 1-2 sessions a week. I'm down, obviously, but I'm still financially healthy. I chalk it off to "this is entertainment". And I purposely don't keep track of my P&L as I don't want to have a reason to stop playing.
I recently went to Vegas. I opened a credit line so I didn't have to go to the bank. I typically take $10,000 as my trips balance, divide it by the number of days, and lock it in the safe as not to spend it. But I was approved for a $80,000 credit line. I've never used that much at a casino, and not sure why I even requested such a large amount in the first place. I think the idea was that the hosts would give me more perks for having a larger credit line, even if I didn't use it all.
On the first day, 8 hours into baccarat, I ran through my entire credit line trying to chase a break even. Running through this much money at a casino is a first for me, and well outside the range if what is considered normal for me. The feeling I had walking back up to my room was terrible. But after I woke up, the reality set in. In 30 days, the casino is going to deposit my marker check and wipe my entire savings clean. My safety cushion is going to disappear, and with the cost of living now, I'm pretty much going to be paycheck to paycheck. I spent the next 4 hours trying to figure out how I can get a personal credit line from my bank so I can try to claw back to break even. After my mind got too overloaded, I stopped, turned on Netflix, and told myself to relax for the next 30 minutes.
After panicking for a bit, a little voice in my head tells me "Stop focusing on the line item. Zoom out. You're not destroyed, you haven't lost your home or your family. You'll figure out how to save again, and you'll be fine. You enjoy this, you're allowed to have fun, you can still do this again on another trip."
I'm trying really hard to focus on that voice, and I wonder if that's my brain comforting me so I can continue to get my dopamine hit again in the future, or if I'm actually blowing this out of proportion. I'm getting worried about not being bothered that I lost $80k since I technically have the funds to pay it off, regardless of it wiping my savings dry.
So I'm looking for some advice. If this is a problem, what did you tell yourself so you were conviced not to chase this dopamine hit. What did you tell yourself so you were conviced that this isn't normal, and it's something that needs to be corrected. Gambling is so much fun for me and I play often. It's my therapy. But now, I'm worried I've crossed a line thats only going to get worse from here.