Hi I am Tristan. I am hurting.
Hi I have come here a couple times to upload my pop banger videos before.
I need to express my pain, and I think others may feel me.
If I don’t make it home with God it’s this:
I see the human person, like myself, as a primate species. How does the primate species live free? Free intimacy, sex, laying together. Homo or heteo.:: the very action of touch and hormones, pheromones, is freeing to a human being, relieves pain, relieves stress, brings meaning to a man’s life.
When I would hook up a lot in my younger years, that affirmed life in me. Those guys brought light into me. The boyfriend who said I was crazy? He brought me life and he kept me going. The random hookup in parking lot in 2003? Brought me life in my heart. I remember fondly how it felt to touch and feel.
A man or woman needs that freedom. In a socioeconomic decline? This touch and sex and life is one of the few remaining escapes a person has.
I started out sexually free and felt love and felt at home with my own kind. I never knew no shame until the world forced it upon me. That was the beginning of death in my life. Then people try and weaponize my needs for touch as a weapon to try and kill me or hurt me. I am stupid/autistic so people try to play me or lure me places i wont go, compromising situations. That is death. For a man to be in chains and unable to feel or touch his own kind like our primate cousins do? That is death to me.
When I write to you. I am giving you the most deep truth from my heart. But in religion it says I am wrong. But if I am wrong? I must die. I cannot live, I cannot breathe and I cannot thrive in a word where I can’t hold my own kind with me. My genes, my heart, my brain and my body all need that touch, that affirms life to me. It doesn’t fucking matter if it’s a guy, it has to be a guy because a woman? A woman will bring no Joy or feeling or release to my body. It will bring discomfort and disturbance.
The religion asserts order and institution. It strictly restrains human need to touch into traditions and regulation. But in 21st century? No paying jobs to support? Housing very high? This is death. Now a man like me has no man to lay with. He took my light from me, he took his love from me, because I cannot be or behave like a normal man. I give it my best, I make huge amounts of bangers for you to enjoy, to vibe and rock out with me. This is another form of life. The music? It affirms life. But it’s not the only one.
I might not go to heaven because I defend the man and the lady to be free to touch, to have levity and openness in relationships. The human is semi monogamous but we are not 100% monogamous in all cases, most people cannot be that way indefinitely, the design of our flesh needs resets every so often. There should be some order to life and there needs to be family and such. But at the same time, some men need to be free. Some men cannot maintain a family. Some men aren’t wired to be able to adhere to the institutions. And if a man is marked for death and followed and impeded and fucked with? He dies. He can’t love, he can’t have sex, his genes say “hey man why are we still here”.
The deepest sorrow is in my heart because I need to be with someone and lay with them, someone like me. Without him, I feel pain.
I feel pain and deep sorrow if the world twists or weaponizes my need against me to hurt me while it denies me love or someone to be with, my brain gets scrambled and my heart comes apart.
So maybe im not the winner if I’m a person like that? But I cannot be another person. I am stuck in this body and this brain and it needs someone. So I start coming apart and needing to go. I cannot be the way the world demands me to be. Because I am Tristan. Tristan needs dudes in his heart. They are my world, they affirm life within me if they are with me. And I now experience deep pain and deep sorrow. So deep my brain cells die and I’m duller after the pain wave ends until a new one comes.
I love my brother, and my sister, and the most important thing I can think of for him and her is to be free to be intimate, to have some order yes but to not have death constantly waiting to chop head off if they stray from home. This experience I am living is the most cruel reality because it gives me this body, this manhood, this desire and craving to be with my own kind someone like me, and this reality uses this to hurt me. Sometimes it is giving me danger or harm, other times it is absent altogether and I’m suffering. But I’ve been alive many many years, I’ve rode all the different waves of my neurological health, and the deepest sorrow I will ever share with you is that my whole life? I did get sex yes, but I didn’t get any man I could be with for years to be stable and come home to. Because my behavior was too strange and they wouldn’t stay, but I needed to feel anyway so I got some hookups but now they are gone, and I hurt.
So yes, I defend a brother who is hurt because he needed to feel better and needed to reach for someone. And in my inner universe and my inner world, I crave a world where man can be intimate with his own kind or with a lady however he may be designed but I know a straight man is straight and a gay man is gay… and they need to be able to breathe not be under the death of institutions. And the idea of men being blocked for their whole life from that intimacy they need? Torture to me.