Sexual OCD and sexual assult
Is it sexual assault? And do you have any advice?
I have been struggling with OCD my entire life. When I was a kid I was scared of bacteria, diseases, excessively washing my hands and touching things a surden amount of times or something bad was gonna happen - you know the “classic” perception of OCD. But as I got older it started shifting into sexual OCD. I would have intrusive thoughts about fetiches I had heard of, but also intrusive thoughts about other people (both people I knew, but also strangers on the street). Very uncomfortable.
In OCD therapy I had learned that it was a good strategy to agree with the thoughts and make it into a joke; to say to your thoughts “yes that is totally something I like “; you know, overdue it, so the thoughts started to sound ridiculous and the thought lost its power and didn’t seem scary anymore. And it actually helped for a while.
And here comes the problem that I have now…
When I had just turned 23 (I am 29 now) I think I was sexually assaulted by a coworker while being blacked out drunk. I had not had sex before and I have not had since.
Before getting blacked out drunk I remember going to the bathroom and him come running behind me saying “wait, wait, wait”. I went to go into the bathroom and he was following me, so I said “no you can go into the other bathroom”. When I was sitting on the toilet he started unlocking the door. I quickly put on my pants and laughed it off.. (I honestly didn’t know how to react). As we got back to the party I remember talking to him, not about what, but I remember saying “we are just friends” (I don’t know why.. I must have felt like something was too much.) Later we went to the club - here I don’t remember much. I remember getting a hand into my pants from behind and I remember trying to get his hand out of my pants but his hand resisted (I don’t know if I ever got it out). I remember him putting himself behind my butt and dry humping me and I remember removing myself from his lab. I remember getting my hand taken and put on his pants where the penis is and I remember removing my hand. Then I remember laying down on the couch at my place and falling asleep, and then I remember him asking “aren’t you going to bed?” and I remember running into my bed with my clothes on, and him turning me around and taking my pants off.
From here I don’t remember what happend
The following year was a living hell for me. I would constantly feel out of control of my own body. I would go on tinder just to be provocative - not because I wanted anything. I got a eating disorder; constantly exercising and monitoring what I ate. I had to feel in control over my body.
Some time after the assault I talked to him about it and asked him what happened. He said he was drunk and didn’t remember much, but now I know that was complete utter bullshit.
I recently got confirmed that I have been talking about my intrusive thoughts while blacked out and that he has been telling others, also at my job where he doesn’t even work… and now it has been 6 years and it is still a talking matter…
I have been sharing my sexual OCD and intrusive thoughts while blacked out which makes sense, since when you are drunk your mouth typically run over with what your head is filled with, and mine is normally filled with sexual OCD about really odd sexual things that I find disgusting; oral sex, foot fetiches, masturbation and weird sexual stuff I have heard of etc. I don’t know how I have delivered these things because I was blacked out drunk, so I am not assuming that I have been clear about it being OCD and intrusive thoughts. Even if I have made that clear, I don’t think a lot of people know what OCD and intrusive thoughts are, except for people who struggles with OCD themselves.
Anyone who has OCD knows what a struggle it is to have intrusive thoughts…then image other people knowing and maybe thinking that it is something you are into?…I know that some of these thoughts are laughable for people who don’t have OCD, but when you have OCD it is a big deal.
It really makes me sick to my stomach that people know about my intrusive thoughts beacuse they are unwanted…I honestly don’t know what to do…
Is it sexual assault when I was that drunk and he clearly wasn’t, since he has been able to tell others about my intrusive thoughts? And has anyone experienced sharing their intrusive thoughts and what did you do about it?