u/LeoTheFloofyDragon

(TW for descriptions of abuse/neglect and very brief non descriptive mention of COCSA)

My mom was emotionally abusive and neglectful for most of my childhood. This is because she was a victim of my dad's emotional and financial abuse herself, but that doesn't change that she failed me.

She did not put me in school till I was 9, at which point I was 2 or 3 grades below what I should have been, and let me stop going to school at 13. She did not force me into professional help like she should've (it took me having a full on mental breakdown and borderline psychotic episode at 18 for her to have me commited) She did nothing to stop the physical abuse my dad put me through. She also became extremely codependent and emotionally incestuous with me when I was 18/19 after she finally kicked my abusive dad out.

She failed to prepare me for the real world and did not teach me how to be an adult, failed to protect me from abusive people despite witnessing it (as far as im aware she is still friends with the parents of the kids who COCSA me as a child, which again she was fully aware of happening), and failed to give me proper medical care for years.

But with all that said, she is also extremely caring and helpful now.

I lived with her completely expenses free until I was 21. When I got a job I only paid rent because I insisted on it. Now that I moved out months ago, she continues to send me money when she sees I am low (she has access to my bank account and can see my bank balance), constantly offers to help me with expenses, buy stuff for my household, pays for the supplies for my guinea pigs ($100 a month), always pays when we go and get food together, etc. all at her own insistence without me asking or me trying to pay

I work part-time due to being disabled so it's nice to be able to rely on her if I need money. But it makes me feel conflict. I feel like I can't be angry about my childhood, about her failing me as a kid, can't criticize her or complain about her because she provides me with financial support still.

To be clear, all of this guilt and conflicted feeling is coming from me. My mom has never guilt tripped me or used her financial support as leverage or anything. This is all just my own internal conflict. I just feel like I'm a hypocrite for taking her help while also calling her abusive.

Sorry for the novel. This has been on my mind and I needed to write it down

Trigger warning for childhood sexual assault, nothing descriptive, but it's still the topic.

As a kid, I was "molested" by 2 different children. I distinctly remember being uncomfortable and pressured into it by the other kid both times. The thing is, they were both children themselves, so im not exactly sure if that's CSA. I especially feel conflicted because the second time the other child was younger than me (I was probably 9 or 10 and they were like 3 or 4 years younger), but they were still the one pressuring me and initating, but since I was older I don't know if I can call it CSA. I know I was only 10 and did not want it and was pressured by the other kid, but since I was not the youngest one in that situation, I feel responsible.

I've been told my guinea pig looks like a brick lol