Need some advice, or someone thats had similar feelings/experiences
I am a 24 y/o male I have been trying to get onto a career department on the west coast for around 2 years now. around 1 year ago I was able to get on to a volunteer department because I knew someone on the department. I went through a pretty basic Fire 1/2 class last fall and I am currently in EMT class. Recently I quit my job (that I hated) to work part time at my volunteer department (taking a temporary pay-cut.) I wanted to just jump into my career and trust that it would all work out in the end. Well. its been around 4 months and I've learned alot. But also I have failed alot. Part of my failures have come from my own mistakes, Some of the mistakes came from taking this jump too soon and not being experienced enough. I often have to run calls with only me and one other person here because of a lack of staffing (most of the people I work with are on career departments but also very new to the fire service.) I am really hard on my self, and HATE when I fail or embarrass my self in front of other people. My department is very small and we do not have a lot of resources for training. I am not on a career department so I don't get training at a different department at all (I also have never gone through a real academy with a career dept.) Sometimes I worry I made a poor decision by quitting my last job. I could return to my previous place of employment with ease, my bosses liked me and I worked hard but I would have to deal with the shot to my pride, that I got an opportunity to get paid doing what I want to do, and further my career. but had to take a step back because I wasn't ready. After almost every run I go on, I get a pit in my stomach because I feel like there was something I could've done better. My girlfriend (of 8 years) supports me and we are happy, but I can feel her losing her patience when it comes to me not being on a career department, getting this part-time job was a way for me to show I am making progress. I would feel a lot of shame telling her that I have to step back, she is ready to start our lives and begin starting a family and a life. I feel like I am no where near ready for any of this, as I can barely support my self at this point (Financially.) Now that you understand a part of my situation and how I currently feel, I need some advice if you have any to share. Should I swallow my pride and go back to my old job? Should I trust the process and continue to show up, despite constantly being stressed out and worried I'll make a serious mistake? Maybe I'm just being a giant drama queen and need to get over it. Quitting the fire service completely is not an option for me I've invested 2-3 years of my early 20's trying to do this job and thousands of dollars, it is also what I want to do, right now I feel like I've just been thrown to the wolves is this how you feel when you first start at a career department too (I think the main difference would be that you have a bunch of veteran guys around you to hold your hand when you first start out. I currently have nothing like that.) The people around me tell me that my current feelings are valid given the current situation. I just want to hear what other first responders think that are completely removed from my situation. If you have any words of wisdom or advice please message me or comment them below.