Is forgetting meds this badly an ADHD thing or am I just sabotaging myself?
I have had my psychiatrist since I was 12 or 13, I am 22 now. I first seen her in 7th grade when a teacher suspected I had ADHD and I was already diagnosed with Autism at the time. I tried lots of medicine to help me focus, and I never noticed a difference but I also didn't care about trying in school at the time. So, after about a year or two of trying a handful of different types, we pretty much gave up and I just did my best in school. I graduated, and was still finding myself struggling to do everyday things. IE, I couldnt and still can't even focus enough to watch a TV show, it has to be very entertaining with little to no downtime, or in 2x speed etc. Anyways, I figured medication could be reconsidered, as in 7th grade when I didn't notice a difference I wasn't actively trying to focus. I was told pretty much it didn't work in the past because I didn't want it and didn't try enough, which makes perfect sense. I know I wasn't trying enough and I know I didn't want it lol.
When I expressed how I was struggling to do everyday things, she also suggested and was very convinced I had depression, and I believe put me on Welbutrin? or something similar I can't remember right now it was a few years back. I took the meds (adhd and depression) for a couple of months, then felt better for awhile and stopped taking them. Everything came back and was worse. I also wasn't very keen on the idea of taking adderal or something similar everyday so I told her I wanted to try and proceed treatment without it for the time being
It has now been 2-3 years of me getting an appoint as soon as I can (usually 3-6 months out 9 time out of ten its 6, i believe every psychiatrist through kaiser is this overbooked? at least thats what i was told) and everytime its pretty much the same thing. I end up forgetting to take my anti-depressants and restarting the cycle, and then she has to try the same treatment for the next 6 months because i messed it up.
My girlfriend thinks its never going to go anywhere, and thinks I should be trying to move psychiatrists. Mainly because mine is very set on curing the depression and hoping everything else falls into line, but what i believe is causing the depression is my fear / anxiety around leaving my house. It has been a few years since ive actually lived a normal life, i do all my groceries via walmart delivery and stuff like that so i rarely go anywhere. My gf thinks my psychiatrist should be giving me anxiety meds or something to try and help me take that step. I am fine just following my psychiatrists recommendations but I am starting to fear that this is going nowhere, and obviously its my fault for not being able to take my medication, but even everything I try to do to help myself take it just seems like a waste. Ive even noticed times where I have forgotten I was taking my medicine while spending 3 seconds to take off the cap of the water bottle, then I don't even realize til I just see the loose pill sitting on the counter the next day or whenever. I know when I first started treatment, and I was also taking my ADHD medicine I remember more, but I also don't know if that was just because I was more in a groove of taking my medicine and I am just struggling a lot more to find that same consistency? I'm also scared to tell her I would like to try ADHD medication again because 1) I feel guilty, I feel like im self sabotaging and not trying hard enough to take my medicine, but at the same time I don't think anyone should really have to be TRYING to take their medicine?? 2) I have an appointment today, im worried that she won't even continue trying to treat as she has been, i feel like ive made no progress and wouldn't be surprised if I get dropped, mainly considering how hard she is to get an appointment with in the first place. I feel like I have to be upsetting her, seeing her months out over and over and everytime its just the same spot she left me in last time.