18 Weeks Pregnant w/ First and Disgusted by Breastfeeding
Not really sure where to start with this! I've been mulling over how I want to feed my baby and what I think I will be able to handle mentally and physically. I am high-functioning autistic and have a hard time with touching or being close to anyone, and a past rooted in deep trauma surrounding my body from things that happened in my childhood. I'm struggling deeply with the idea of being so close to another human while being essentially used as a milk bag and having my body touched in any sort of way. I've been around babies and children my whole life and I love them so much, so I don't think I will have a problem with most other care needs or even cuddling, but this is a huge blockade in my mind.
In a logical sense, I can reason with it's better for baby and will help with bonding/comfort, it's what boobs are meant to do, and all that good stuff. But emotionally, it makes me quite upset, uncomfortable, and almost angry. The idea of being touched, latched onto, and having to be there for an extended time makes my skin crawl. The more I read about the process the more uncomfortable I become with it all, but that in turn makes me feel incrediy guilty because I want to be close with my baby and provide everything they need.
I'm considering pumping and seeing if that works for me, but even that makes me feel very uncomfortable. My partner really wants me to BF and when I speak to them about it it's very hard for them to understand my feelings. They are in the mindset of total unconditional love and putting baby first in everything...which also makes me upset because I feel like a baby making milk machine then, no time to put my mental health first. I'm definitely going to speak with someone about this, but right now my medical support is awful as my OB doesn't even ask about how I'm doing physically much less mentally or otherwise. I also have some health issues and the nausea has gotten so bad, I've lost a lot of weight and am worried I might not even be healthy enough to provide for baby. Appreciate anyone sharing if they had similar feelings, if anything changed for them after baby was born (really hoping it does), and just general advice!