Yes. Terrible, terrible idea. Duh. There, question answered, moving on.
... Ok, no denying any of that. Would you hear me out ?
The thing is I have quite some anxiety. Men scares me and I find it difficult to loosen up in day to day activity around them. Thing is I am scared that the moment they found out I'm a trans woman they would turn disgusted/violent. At least through Grindr I know they know and they look me out for it. (I completely faze out het men and occasionally dig out the "very fuzzy bi bear" I tend to prefer). At least through Grindr I'm not thought out despite what I am but for it, and sometimes regardless of it.
And I'm tired. It's been 15 years. 15 years without sex and I'm starved. For touch, sweet words, half-assed compliments, heated gaze or a just a sweet embrace. But mostly I'm horny. Like so horny man. I mean come-on. I see the years go past, and while I'm doing quite ok most of the time, I just want a sweet time and some release.
Also, the anxiety thing ? It keeps me from going to bars, clubs or otherwise meeting people other ways without me needing ~1year to loosen up (I'm not even kidding, I have major anxiety). I don't know why but going through Grindr is less anxiety inducing. I mean it is, I installed it a year ago, played with a little and imagined so many different scenarios in my head on how it may play out. From oh so very violent to objectifying, sometimes boring, usually dismissive of me or my desires. I know, I KNOW it would be dull, meaningless, may be bordering on an insult to sex itself. I'm not delusional and I never hopped on anything sweet or someone who "get" me. But I still want it. Horny, remember ?
I guess I'm just hopping for some basic human kindness. I would tell them it would be my first time with a guy and judge their reaction. I'm usually a good judge of character and I definitely intend to meet them in public at first. If anything I can be patient (15y, what's a year or two?). Not everyone is an asshole right ? I hope that someone would be a bit patient, a bit attentive, somewhat connect with me just for a night. I'm not hopping (or wanting) for a second night. Just a bit scared. Just a need to be taken cared for, just a bit. I can handle myself otherwise.
The Irony ? I'm not that much into guys. That's why I put so little importance on my first time with a guy. Women though, that's a whole another story. One I refuse to compromise for. But yes, I would really really like to explore that part of myself. I feel like it's been long overdue.