u/Laurakittin

I’m typing this at one in the morning because I feel so defeated. I finished my most difficult classes recently for all of undergrad, so I could have an easier senior year, and it’s been heavily affecting my barn time. We have an upcoming show and for the past month and a half I’ve hardly had time to get any ride time in. When I went to the barn the other day I was told by multiple people at once I needed to stay the full week plus some to get ride time in. It was said in a way that’s like you haven’t been doing what you needed too, and it came off to me as making fun of me by the over exaggeration and tone. Even though it’s mainly because my trainer isn’t there on weekends, so I can’t ride one of my horses in training often at all. I don’t have their week availability when finals come along and I don’t want to compromise my future for horses, when I need to get a good job to have horses. They also constantly tell me I need to be there more when I come as much as I can. I was then told by a girl a barely knew have u been riding followed by an eye-roll and good luck. I’ve been sleeping around 4-6 hrs a night just for course work and genuinely haven’t had the extra time. My horses get ridden by trainers when I’m not around so it’s not like they’re unworked, and I get that I need to ride as well. I just feel pressured to participate in shows during horrible times for me. Where I mention months in advance I will be slammed with work and they say it’s ok just get as much time in as you can. Then when the show comes around and I’m actually busy, like I said I would be, I get told I’m not coming enough and need to focus on the show. How am I supposed to focus on a show if I say months in advance I won’t have time beforehand? I spend the little breaks I get and gaps in the semester constantly going to the barn. It’s not that I don’t try, it’s that I also prioritize school. Not to mention the show costs combined with school. I’m signed up and everything but I almost want to drop it last minute. I’m tired of it being insinuated I don’t prioritize it nearly enough when I constantly explain why and it’s shrugged off. I’m not even in any advanced show classes, and I get they want everyone to look the best they can. I just don’t understand why I’m treated like a high schooler who just decides she’s too busy. I really love the people there when it comes to everything but showing. I just feel like they act like horses are my whole life when they realistically can’t be. It’s making me want to sell my horses. I really truly love them especially when I spend alone time with them. I just feel like the showing is too much and that they do have valid points. I think that’s another part of the problem. During exam seasons I only spend about 4/5 days with them out of a whole month and occasionally I’ll have the week I can’t spend with them. I don’t even know if I should own a horse with how little time I see them. I just wish I had the ability to have them at home so I could see them every day and take care of them.