I don’t understand this level of self hatred
It’s currently midnight,I have a math assignment in a few hours for marks that will decide my term mark plus these are the marks that will help me get into good universities on scholarships.Our teacher told us about it this whole week all I was doing was accidentally falling asleep.Yesterday I had to go to my younger brothers movie night that his school was hosting I was planning on coming back and grinding but all I did was sleep now I have lost the will to study and I’m convinced that my self hatred has lasted longer than it should.
Ever since the fourth grade I found solace in maths after my dad’s passing don’t get me wrong I always liked it but I just began to love it more after he passed.And in the eighth I had to transfer schools and I began passing like never before the things were easy (at one point I was laughing because the teacher was teaching us things we already knew).The eight and ninth grade were my prime cuz I was always in the top 5 and never below lots of people doubted my intelligence and rated it a 6 which made me feel bad considering how much of a an academic validation seeker I was.I was/am really quiet and introverted and I was high key depressed especially in the eight grade but I still passed which when I look back on cuz it feels like it’s all being repeated without the passing.
But genuinely I loved maths it was my everything I enjoyed it so much it’s all I ever wanted to do,my mom had taken me to this tutor where we would solve math equations together and one day he called me a mathematician and my heart lit up he latter passed on in 2024 and I was in the ninth grade…I wept
Last year I stated doing the applied mathematics and I had this ego+extreme depression where I didn’t want to study so I didn’t and I never paid attention then boom my marks dropped I’m like woah this isn’t me term 2 they drop way harder and they just keep going I am given a second chance for the 11th grade otherwise I would have to change form applied maths to maths lit.
I am in the 11th grade it’s term one marks are still just as low I keep getting 4’s and no higher then 10 in my assignments I even get 00/50 on my physics baseline.i had a friend but she had to leave cuz she was in the same boat and h thought about leaving but this sector has more and better job opportunities and I want tot disappoint my mom I have done that already.
I’m turning 18 this year which is kinda 😬 cuz I have zero social skills plus conversation skills and I always feel insecure about my friend they called her funny and said I make “dry jokes” even though she steal my jokes and all she ever talks about is dih and how those guys are gay pedo’s.I just feel incomplete and whenever I feel motivated to study especially when I’m at school I come back home and I just scroll on insta then go sleep worst part about all of this is it doesn’t heart me like I don’t feel anything it doesn’t make me angry especially when people call me stupid or mock and my teachers tell me I can’t handle my subjects like no no leave me alone I know what I must do but no
And this is where the hatred comes in,I know I must study really hard and focus on my books but I confess to my crush of 4 years and try to get into relationship with him knowing every well this is a crucial year 🧍♀️like tell me I don’t hate myself because not only don’t I try I just don’t do and now I’m trying to get with a whole guy?
We went to the the theatre for our long weekend and saw the Micheal movie I was inspired like never before that was the first time in my 17 years of living I had ever been inspired and I wanted to change my life I lowkey have a MJ obsession now but yeah the only thing is that whole things lasted two days I still feel the motivation but not as much.i just want to be a better person and change my life cuz I’m realising that it not only affects me but the prowl around me and I care deeply for them,I don’t want to hurt them no longer
Also I always kept my tears locked up until last year I was infatuated with this guy and started drinking due to the depression and then I became an emotional wreck and I have seemed to stay that way it likes me inside
I did think about leaving my crush but we are far in to deep that I can’t just leave him he likes me (my friend speaks to him and she’s like he does a lot)and I do him plus I don’t want to hurt him cuz I’d be the second girl his ever had anything with but I really need to change my life it’s all just so compuzzling