Unsure about trauma
I am in a negative headspace as of late and have been reflecting on another in life. I'm finding myself very negative towards religion due to many circumstances but am unsure if it's religious trauma or I'm just looking for something to be angry at??
I was not raised religious, in recent years I've found myself more drawn to the practices of theistic Satanism but would not consider myself practicing.
I found out around 15 that I had been baptized as a baby under the Anglican church, this was never told to me prior and was almost laughed off as a joke by my mother when asked about it.
I grew up without a father and was told by my mom that he was an alcoholic that used Christianity as an excuse for his bad choices.
At 6 years old I had begun the process of being diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy and for the next few years, was constantly having people pray for me without consent which I've always found great discomfort in but I was raised to be respectful and just allow it. I've been told that 'God' made me this way as a lesson to my mother or as a gift to me which always felt very backwards and often hurt me more than comforted
I grew up in a very very bad household and was often 'prayed' for and I was never sure whether to rely on the prayers for help or not but at times found myself desperately praying to whatever God was out there to save me and change my life
This year my father contacted me for the first time in my life. He's now sober, though still very religious. He asked me to begin reading the Bible with him, even mailing me two and having me read with him each night despite knowing I myself am not religious nor am I seeking God. He's occasionally corrected how I read the Bible, in a shameful way, saying I'm not doing in right and I've felt immense shame and embarrassment. I am certain he's trying to convert me and often I feel the need to remind him that I am not religious
I've expressed simple fears to him such as insects and he always says that fear isn't real and it's put in you by the devil which always feels incredibly dismissive so I've refrained from discussing fears He also believes that emotions are lies and all feelings are from the devil, even happiness so he dismisses these as well
Recently he also excused societies mistreatment of women as just a 'way of the world'. He told me Kamala Harris was never going to win the election because "Men don't feel comfortable with a woman in power" and went on about the 'order' and followed it with "But I mean no offense, that's just how it is", though as his daughter, I very much took offense. He constantly uses the order as a way to demean women and explain why they shouldn't have a place outside of a home. He's very aware that I disagree but insists on the Bible being right.
Then just today, after being in a years long battle with my family after cutting them off because my cousin (20) began dating a minor (15) and I was seen as wrong and unforgiving for pushing him and the entire supportive family out of my life after doing all I could to have his wrongs recognized, was told I 'lacked humility' by an uncle and told that he was going to 'pray' for me
The only religion or prayers I've received have been to change me, my body, or my beliefs, which have severely impacted me. I feel broken, wrong and like a fucking monster because all of these people pray to make me right. I do not know if I'm looking at this all wrong or if this is some form of religious/spiritual trauma but I thought it was best to seek advice so I can further explore how to better cope with this.
Thank you so much <3