I'm venting here because I need to get this out in writing.
My wife and I raised our daughter with lots of dialogue and affection. She was always a calm girl, a little shy, but cheerful. She liked to draw, listened to K-pop with her friends, went out for ice cream; she was basically our best friend at home. We talked about everything.
About 8 months ago, things changed quickly. First, she became more withdrawn, stopped leaving her room, and lost interest in everything she used to enjoy. She started sleeping poorly, cried a lot (we could hear her from the hallway). Her grades plummeted. When we tried to talk to her, she only said she was "tired" and "had no will to live."
Then came the part that really left me desperate. She cut her hair very short (almost shaved on one side), only wears baggy, masculine clothes, bought a binder online and wears it almost every day. She asked us to stop referring to her using "he/him" pronouns. When we hesitate or continue calling her our daughter (especially her mother), she bursts into tears, saying that we don't accept her, that we're like the "toxic" parents she sees on TikTok and Twitter.
She spends all day on her phone consuming content about transitioning. We've already sought help: the school psychologist said that "we need to respect her identity immediately." We also scheduled a private therapist, but she refuses to go, saying that a therapist who isn't "affirmative" will only make things worse.
My wife and I love our daughter more than anything. If she really is trans, we would try to understand and support her in the best way possible. The problem is the absurd speed of this change. There were no signs in childhood, zero. She was always very feminine.
It started out of nowhere, after spending months immersed in internet content. And the worst part: she's clearly depressed, anxious, and has said several times that she "would rather die than continue in this body."
I'm very afraid that something is happening that she'll regret in a few years, and I'm also afraid that I won't give her the right support and she'll do something stupid. I feel lost. When I try to talk to friends or family, some say "let her be happy," others say "you have to support her or you'll lose her." My wife is also torn, sometimes she thinks we have to take it slow, sometimes she's afraid of being "transphobic."
I just want my daughter to be truly happy, I don't want to win any arguments. I'm just very worried and my heart aches every single day.