I don't even know what to say.
My son is 9, AuDHD, Level 1, medicated, stimulant and non-stimulant.
Lately he has just been so angry. I think a lot of it stems from his classroom situation being volatile and him very much being over it, which I completely get; I'm over it too. But there are only 2 weeks left and we are very likely switching schools next year to give him a completely fresh start. His anger has manifested into the tantrums that make me feel like the neighbors are going to call the cops thinking we're beating him to death inside the house.
It is usually over homework or when screentime is over (we give him ample warning, countdowns, visual timers, all the things), or if the meal that has been prepared wasn't what he had in his brain but never spoke aloud. And no, he's not one of those kids who has safe foods. His typical "safe foods" sometimes set him off too or he turns his nose up at them, just because.
I try to allow him space to feel his feelings and not abandon him when he's obviously feeling distressed. Even after he hurls insults and curse words, he'll run into his room or the living room to hide under a blanket, I'll give him a few minutes then go sit beside him to let him know that I'm there. When the conversation eventually starts that, "Your words were very hurtful" or " its not okay when...." he begins playing the victim. "I ruin everything! Nobody loves me! Its all my fault!" Mind you, I never say those things. Ever. I never tell him anything is his fault, even if he's the one who threw his plate of food on the floor, I NEVER tell him its his fault. Then there have been the times that he will start hitting his head on the wall or on the floor. Once, he found his old aluminum t-ball bat and was hitting himself in the forehead with it (not particularly hard, but enough that I took it from him immediately). When he's angry he'll hit his dad, but he'd 6' tall and solid so it doesn't do anything, but now he's starting to hit me. It also isn't particularly hard, but its hard enough and its definitely out of anger, so its concerning. There have definitely been times when he has been screaming and hurting himself or threatening to hurt himself or us to the point that I have had to put him into a bear hug on the ground. He will resist for a moment but after maybe 10 seconds, he just dissolves in my arms crying. "I'm sorry, mama. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean to hurt you." And we both just sit there on the floor and cry for a while. After that, he's good. He's great. He's back to normal and happy and ready to tell about what wrestling matches are going to be on Monday Night Raw, and I am left feeling completely wrung out. Up until yesterday, Mother's Day, these had only taken place at home.
It had been a trying day, as most out of the ordinary, "special days" are. We were going to dinner, just the three of us. Our original plans didn't work out so we were left driving around for a while trying to find some place that didn't have an hour wait on Mother's Day. Dad felt terrible because he really tried, but it wasn't his fault. We settled on a Mexican place that has a 99% success rate with our son. We are seated, dad goes to the bathroom. My son has a little play he has some lines in at school on Friday so I was going to run lines with him over dinner. But, his meds had worn off and he was dysregulated and unable to listen, he wouldn't hand me the papers that had his lines on it and one of them wound of falling on the floor and sliding under the booth behind us. His arms weren't long enough to reach it, so the only way to get it was for me to lay completely down on my stomach on the sticky floor of the restaurant and reach under booth. I wasn't pleased about that, but it was whatever. As I'm getting up, I hit the top of my head on the corner of the table so hard I was seeing stars. As if he noticed absolutely nothing had happened, because he probably didn't, he starts demanding to play games on my phone, even though he knows that we don't do screens at restaurants, and I snap at him. I don't know what I said, tbh. But it was probably something like, "No, you can't have my god damn phone!" through clenched teeth. His response was, "GOD, WHAT DID I EVEN DO TO YOU?!" and the meltdown commenced. He starts sobbing, screaming, people are looking. Its Mother's Day, so there are several large family groups staring. I pull him out of the booth and take him outside. At this point dad has come back and he has absolutely no idea what is going on.
We get outside and he wants to run away from me. I hold on to his arms because there's a parking lot and a busy street and its not safe. I'm not holding him tightly, but enough. He's crying, "Let me go! I don't like when you grab me! Let me go! Stop it!" which makes more people stare and I'm mortified. But I, as calmly as I can, just say to him, "No, I'm going to hold you because it is not safe for you out here when your body isn't calm." Over and over and over again until we eventually end up sitting on the side walk, him crumpled in my arms, crying. "I'm sorry, mama. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I ruin everything." I just told him, "Bud, without you, for me, today would be just a day. You didn't ruin anything and I love you more than any bad thing you could ever do. But I can't let you make a scene and disrupt other people's Mothers' Day. That's not fair to them." I got him to breathe and calm down and, like usual, he was good after that. He's happy, he wants to go back inside and play with his monster trucks and tell his dad about He-Man. And again, I just... don't have anything left.
So today I reached out to a psychiatrist for help for him. Right now his meds are managed by his pediatrician, who is wonderful and listens and offers great feedback. But she agrees that this is beyond what she can manage.