I’m sure this or something very similar has been discussed at length here before, so my apologies is this is too repetitious. I’m trying to understand what it means to forgive somebody in a non-religious context.
Although I am an atheist now, I was raised in a evangelical Christian environment, and most of my friends and family are still of that mindset, or if not that, are still spiritual in some way shape or form, even if they are not religious. Even when googling it, it’s hard to find good concrete definitions of forgiveness that are not at least somewhat spiritual in nature.
My question, aside from the general “what does forgiveness mean” is specifically who is it for? In the Christian tradition that I was raised in, and that most of the people in my orbit follow, it is something that is done and given by an offended party both because it is divinely commanded, but also because it is believed to help the offended party heal.
However, if this is the case, why would the offender ask for forgiveness? If the goal of forgiveness is for the hurt/offended party to find healing, isn’t that something for them to settle internally?
I can share full details if people really want to, but in the interest of brevity, I will say that I am likely to have somebody asking me for forgiveness for some serious wrongs in the somewhat near future. They are someone that I am going to have to be around at family events . I am OK with the idea of forgiving them in so far as letting go of anger and the desire to seek vengeance and force punishment upon them.
However, I don’t see myself ever wanting anything to do with them. I will never be able to trust them nor forget what they did to members of my family I am extremely protective of. I will not have any desire to speak interact with or acknowledge them. I will tolerate their existence and presence at family gatherings because I will have to, but they are dead to me.
Is this forgiveness? The reason it matters to me is if and when this person comes to ask me for forgiveness, I do not want to give them anything that will benefit them. I do not want to give them anything they want, including forgiveness. Basically I will forgive them if it’s for my benefit, but I won’t if it’s for theirs. So whose benefit is it for?