Earlier this year, my primary partner (NB25) moved in with me (TF22) and my family. Prior to this, we were long distance for about 2.5 years, having to travel 5 hours or more to see each other. When we visited, the sex we had was really amazing. Honestly, this has been an extremely good sexual relationship since Day One, and years later, I'm really grateful for that. I'm a really sexual person, and sex is a major way that I connect with the people I love. To me, it's just extremely focused quality time, and it's an amazing way to make the rest of the world fall away.
We have always been poly, and have had relationships with a few other people since we started dating. Naturally, there has been a healthy amount of emotionally difficult conversations around poly, but no fights or long-term issues. Recently, however, I've started feeling less secure and desired in our relationship, and I honestly don't know how to handle it.
When my partner moved in, sex started getting shorter, and would honestly sometimes feel rushed, like they were hurrying to get to an orgasm. It made me feel kinda weird, and I told my partner. They were really understanding and caring, and told me that they would make sure not to rush. But around that time, we just started having sex less and less. As time went on, it became about once a week, and it's almost always exclusively me sucking him off (one of my favorite things to do, tbh, but definitely not ALL i want to do).
I spoke to them about this, because I had been gaining a fair bit of weight around the same time, and I wanted to know what the root of it was. They told me that they've been feeling a lot less horny lately, and that they've been doing a lot of work processing some older sexual trauma. I really appreciated their honesty and I told them that I didn't ever want them to feel rushed or pressured.
On the emotional side, however, this has been extremely difficult. During the period where our sex life was starting to wind down (after the first conversation), my partner started an intense new job, and works different hours than me (we're both full time). This has meant a lot less one-on-one time, and it's been really difficult for me. We both acknowledge that they're much more solitary, and I'm more clingy. So spending less time together has been especially emotionally challenging for me.
My partner has also started seeing a couple other girls, and while I'm sure that they're not going to start having sex with these girls any time soon, it is very difficult to see them being flirty with other people, when they haven't shown that kind of excitement with me in a long time. It almost feels like our life together has become almost pragmatic and much less intensely romantic than it was 6 months ago. They seem somewhat pleased, but definitely not excited to see me after work.
I've started dating a couple people, and my primary partner recently said, "I'm glad you have somebody who can fulfill your needs sexually". And while yes, I do have sexual needs, and I do desire sex with other people, I don't fuck my primary partner to get my sexual needs fulfilled, over and done with. The main goal of sex, for me, is to feel extremely close with my partner and almost completely focused on one another. It is a central aspect of my love, and it is breaking my heart to be losing it with the person I love most. And I feel like if I told them all of my feelings about this, they would feel extremely insecure and sad about it. The conversation we already had was very difficult for them.
Last night, my partner and I had what I would call my best sexual experience in months. It was extremely sweet and hot and tender, but then right after they came, it came to a screeching halt. This was because they had work in the morning, but it just felt really saddening, especially since I haven't cum with them in quite some time.
I don't hold anything against my partner. On top of processing trauma, I'm sure this job takes a lot of the energy that they need for sexual stuff. It also makes it difficult because their schedule makes it hard to find time for emotional conversations about our relationship. But it's really hard to not see my partner expressing their attraction to me anymore, because they haven't really been feeling much sexual attraction at all. I feel like I'm grieving the best sexual relationship of my life, and I do get scared seeing them with skinny/cis girls. I love them so much and I'm insanely attracted to them.
Hoping this doesn't read as INSANELY whiny. To be clear I'm also seeing other people, but not feeling any serious connections at this time.
TL;DR - My partner's sex drive is extremely diminished, while we're also starting to date other people, and I feel weird and sad about all of it.