I do not feel anything to anyone or anything
I do not understand when I look at someone that i am suppose to care about and feel nothing. No sadness no anger no happiness just nothing. Even when they say I love you I do not feel anything.
In my childhood I was the one taking care of my two younger siblings since they babies. My two older siblings would treat me like I was the problem they couldnt fix. My mother would often tell me to be to the bigger person and walk away from fights even when I was a child and dealing with adults screaming in my face. My step father would often man handle me when I didn't do something he wanted me to do. He would scream and spit in my face while my mother did nothing to stop it. To be honest I would be alone alot. Not wanting to be around other people or interact or be social. But even as a child I felt nothing no emotions no connection or anything with anyone.
Then when I was 20 I met someone that force a connection with me. At first I felt nothing like usually but he wouldn't leave me alone or stop talking to me. Eventually I started to get use to him being around. But that changed nothing for me. I still didn't feel anything for him but I couldnt stand not having him around either.
We got married, at 21 I had my first child and that changed everything because as I raised her I didn't want her to be like me who didn't feel or understand how not to feel anything. But then if I didn't give him what he wanted from me which was sex he would treat me like I didn't exist, problem, burden. Then when I would try and state what he was doing to me and how it would make me feel (lost, not good enough, waste of space, burden) he would turn it back on me telling me what I wasnt doing or I wasnt doing enough. Then the cheating started but he would make it feel like it was normal because he had a high sex drive and I did not (because also around this time I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia which is a chronic pain disorder throughout the entire body) he would say that he getting it from other people because I was in pain all the time and acted like he was doing me a favor but then act like I was the problem. When I turned 27 I started to experience hearing voices, seeing things that aren't there and really bad thoughts and urges that didn't make sense. I went and I got help that I needed I got diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, ADHD and severe depression. I got on meds that help me sleep and help my mind understand that the things I was hearing and seeing weren't real. But then things started to get worse because on top of my mental health struggles I was also dealing with pain daily and it was intense. Which means I couldnt provide sex to this man in which he would completely ignore me or talk to me like I wronged him in some way.
At this point we have been together for 11 years of these same patterns of me giving him everything and him doing nothing for me. But then one night he drop the biggest bomb on me that I had no idea what do with. He told me that he had raped my 11 year old daughter in her ass and he was giving me justification and excuses of why he did it. Now I know I should have reported him right when he told me this but I couldnt because one there was no else around when he told me this. He knew everything about my mental health the voices, seeing things that aren't there everything. So I couldnt just go and tell the police of what he was doing because he could have told them that I was mental unstable and danger to my kids and have me locked up to where I couldnt help them. So I was literally stuck between a rock and hard place. So I waited until I found or saw undeniable proof of what he was doing. It took me two months of waiting, two months of fighting urges, voices and recking my mental health because I knew what would happen if I jumped the gun. So when finally he did exactly the thing I was waiting for. He trusted the fact enough that I wouldn't do or say anything to anyone that he showed me child porn that he got from someone else. That is when I knew I had to act because that was proof of what he was doing. So I told my counselor and the ball got rolling. He was arrest that same day. He got mad at me when I told him I would not stay married to him.
After that my family got involved. And I still lost everything.
My children do not live with me because my oldest choose to live with her grandmother and my sister asked me to take my youngest.
Now I just feel nothing. I am alone all the time now. I do not want to be around anyone. I do not want any kind of connections with anyone new or old. I do talk to my kids all the time when she isnt in school or busy. She doesnt blame me for anything that happen and I made sure that she understood it wasnt her fault either.
I can't got to a therapist because it feels like when I talk about my problems they do not understand or try to understand. So that doesnt help. I still hear my voices, see things that aren't there but when it happens I just feel nothing. I really do not know how to explain or express it.
I do not really know why I am writing this or what I am looking for but what I do know is that this isnt normal.