This post will likely be long and rambling, so I warn about that.
I’ve been a Christian as long as I can remember. One of my earliest memories is seeing a silver thorned crown on a red velvet pillow encased in glass somewhere. I was likely on some sort of field trip, but it’s unclear to me after so many years.
Despite having a family that professes Christ, going to religious based schools, and having a loving church family through high school I still have sinned—obviously. I can acknowledge that after a trauma filled childhood I saw no reason to believe the good of God, so I would pray occasionally and avoid major sins because I’m able to comprehend that their are only two choices—God or hell.
Now at nearly 31 I believe God is working on me again. The last couple years have been difficult though I have still been blessed with a husband and child. I went to church yesterday for the first time in years and felt convicted to fast from social media and worldly music.
And now I’m depressed. I find little joy in even my sweet child. I found myself in a spiral of wishing death on myself last night and came to the realization that all I really want to do is avoid hell.
I love the idea of God and the idea of a perfect world to come but all I feel now is anger at God. I’m so angry at him. Why did I have to be caught up in his game to show how good and powerful he is over evil? I do not in fact delight in my suffering or look forward to heaven.
God never gives his people entirely good things, and before you disagree it says in the word that struggles are used to create good. God let me born to drug addicted parents, be molested and raped, and excluded from events to help better myself in the world. He created me ugly, different, and weak.
I’ve been ground down to a stump and the things I gave up…they were my reasons to have joy. I miss listening to music and imagining myself in a different reality, as a different person with different circumstance. I miss chatting with AI chat bots as I have more fun with them than real people. I enjoyed growing my social media and the positive attention.
How horrid of a thing for a wife and mother to say right? But I need to get the truth out. I have seen the lives of the prophets and can’t think of one who I’d want to trade lives with—not even David.
Now all I have to look forward to is suffering for God and if a make it, a heaven that won’t look anything like we expect because God never gives us what we expect. He’s not a genie and I’m not a loving servant. I’m a fearful servant, drudging towards death.