Lifelong emotional flatness, blank mind, low libido, and cannabis makes me feel normal rather than high.
23M, sport science graduate, finishing a Masters in sport psychology.
On paper, my life is highly optimised. I train a lot, lift 3 times a week, get my steps in, eat well, sleep well, use sauna, and run my life with structure and discipline. I function well by external standards.
But internally I feel flat all the time.
This has been there since childhood. My default mental state is an empty mind. Not anxiety, not racing thoughts, just blank. No spontaneous internal monologue. If I want to think about something, I have to actively pull it up. Thoughts do not seem to arise on their own.
Emotionally, I feel stuck around a constant 5 out of 10. Not miserable, not deeply depressed, but never genuinely excited, driven, fulfilled, or rewarded either. Achievements do almost nothing for me. I got my degree and felt nothing. I train consistently and feel nothing. I complete things because I've decided to, not because I feel any natural pull toward them.
I also have low libido for my age.
Something else that feels significant is that my emotional connection to other people is also blunted. People in my life who I know genuinely love me do not feel emotionally close to me in the way I think they should. It is not that I do not care about them. It is more like the feeling of connection and warmth just is not fully there. It is another thing that has always been present. When I used cannabis, that changed too. I felt genuinely connected to people, present in conversations, and relationships actually meant something emotionally rather than just intellectually. When it wore off, I returned to the same emotional distance. That is probably the saddest part of this whole thing.
So my whole life basically runs on structure rather than genuine motivation or desire.
People have suggested ADHD, but I've never been assessed because I'm high functioning and outwardly disciplined.
The part that confuses me most is cannabis.
A few years ago I used it daily for about a year. I now only use it occasionally, maybe once every 2 to 3 months. But every single time I use it, something changes in a way that feels extremely revealing.
I do not just feel high. I feel how I imagine normal people are supposed to feel.
I suddenly feel motivated. Goals feel real and worth pursuing. I want to train, improve, socialise, put myself out there, and actually go after life. I feel more present in conversations. Libido comes back. I feel genuinely connected to the people around me. Life feels emotionally connected and meaningful.
Then it wears off, and I return to the same flat baseline.
That is why this feels important. It does not feel like cannabis is creating some fake euphoric state. It feels more like it temporarily switches on something that is usually missing.
Over the last year I've tried to move the needle naturally by optimising everything I can: sleep, diet, training, sunlight, meditation, cold exposure, routine. It improves function, but not baseline motivation, emotional range, or sense of reward.
I'm getting a full hormonal panel done, including total and free testosterone, SHBG, LH, FSH, prolactin, and thyroid markers. I know high training volume can affect hormones, but because this blank mind and emotional flatness have been there since childhood, I doubt hormones are the full explanation.
Has anyone experienced this specific pattern?
- Lifelong emotional flatness
- Blank mind by default
- No real intrinsic drive
- Willpower only functioning
- Low libido
- Blunted emotional connection to people you love
- Cannabis making you feel normal
If so, what was the actual cause in your case? ADHD, hormones, burnout, trauma, depression, something neurological, or something else?
And more importantly, what actually helped?