u/KoKyra1

I don't know what to do at this point.

I'm from the UK. I am 25 years old, autistic and pretty tired of living, to be honest. I am suck with a family that doesn't take precautions anymore and I am not able to get away from them. I do have masks but these are reusable ones and I fear that they are not enough to protect me. I know that I should buy a KN mask but money is limited and my parents won't get them for me since they claim that masks don't work. I have only had covid once back in 2022 because my mum passed it on to all of us. I live with my mum and my dad. My other siblings have moved out and have lives of their own (which they don't take precautions either).

I got to spend a little bit of time with some family members today and I was enjoying it until the topic hantana virus came up. Which then lead to talking about covid. My family members don't care about it anymore. I am the only one in my family who still masks. They all talked about how there is no reason to mask anymore. They said that I can do whatever I want if it makes me comfortable.

The topic of covid has been talked about for a long time and my fear developed back when I first had it in 2022 because it affected my ears. When I entered into new environments, I would get dizzy and then panic. The dizziness has stopped now and I do need my ears cleaned out since they are full. However, when I tell them that I suffered from long covid with that, they don't believe me. In fact, everytime I talk about covid to my parents, I always get yelled at/have an argument with them. They tell me there is nothing to worry about. That it is all fear mongering. They tell me that I believe this but they can point out that other people believe that the vaccine is bad for you to have and that I choose to believe the dangers of it.

I have been told this 100 times but I just can't believe them.

I am thinking about ending my life. I don't want to live in a world where covid is around forever. I don't want to live in a world where I can become disabled due to covid. And there are reasons why I want to do this:

- I have lived a pretty sheltered life (thanks to being autistic) so I didn't have the average childhood

- I have spent years trying to bulid up my confidence and live my life only to have covid/my covid anxiety destroy it.

- I nearly lost my acting degree/one of my good acting friends at uni because of the meltdowns I would have when thinking about covid (we had to perform without masks) I'm lucky that I didn't lose these but it could have happened.

- can't buy effective masks or tests because of money and because my parents will not let me

- I can't keep safe with my parents. They will catch it again at one point yet I want to avoid it and never catch it again. This will not be possible.

- my parents claim that I have so much to live for but I just don't think I do. My dreams and hopes in life have been destroyed about of covid being around forever.

- I have an online friend who has LC and has been stuck in his bed sleeping for 2 years because of ME. I do not wish to have a life like that.

- I have gotten help for my "covid anxiety" but they all tell me the same thing and deny the whole LC ear situation.

I am currently laying in bed right now and I do not wish to wake up when I drift off to sleep tonight. There is no hope for me. There is no hope for us all. I have no one to talk to about my issues. I do not want to live on this planet anymore. I would like to end it all but I know that this would deeply upset my parents and I am scared of doing it. My dreams of becoming a great actor isn't worth it.

I wish the pandemic never happened. I want to die.

I wonder if anyone else feels the same way.

I know that this post will probably go against the rules but I don't care. I have no outlet for these feelings anymore.