Started methylphenidate whilst in a life crisis. Not sure if the medication is making things worse or helping.
Hi everyone,
I’m male, 40 years old with ADHD (diagnosed last year) and autism (diagnosed when I was 27). A difficult childhood left me with intense fear of abandonment and a pattern of people-pleasing and self-sacrifice that often harms me.
I began generic methylphenidate about 23-24 days ago I think.
My titration so far has been 18 mg for one week, 36 mg for nearly two weeks, then 54 mg for the past few days.
I'm currently studying. When school started again after last summer, I quickly ended up being quite exhausted. I wasn't quite keeping up with school and I wasn't doing my assignments. I stopped exercising, started eating less healthy, cleaning less. All signs of heading towards a burnout. Then five months ago my best friend tried to kill herself. I wanted to help, so I supported her daily for four months. Cooked, cleaned, did her laundry, everything. I carried her fully when I wasn't really able to carry myself. We fell for each other after about a month and started dating. We were together for about three months, until about a month ago, when I burned out and crashed hard. She dumped me over text that same night, when I left because I couldn't handle the situation anymore.
I started medication just days later, already anxious from the situation. Since then our shared friend group (including my ex, it's five women and then me who's the only male), has distanced themselves. My ex (still my best friend) has pulled away too and I don’t think she wants to stay friends. We’ve had sex and spent nights together a few times since the breakup, but she has also been verbally and physically abusive. These friends are the best I’ve ever had, I've known them for 1.5 years now (I started eating lunch at school with my ex 2 years ago, we hung out sometimes but not outside of school at that point). I love them deeply and the thought of losing them terrifies me. I’ve always made friends easily, people tend to like me and they all liked me a lot, but this past month everything has gone horribly wrong.
I've tried reaching out to them for help and support, tried saying that I need them because my mental health is very poor and I'm terrified of losing them.
They feel that I’ve been emotionally manipulative and mean. No one has ever called me that before. My attempts to fix things, to explain that I never wanted to hurt them, that I didn't mean things that way and that I love them, that I appreciate them and that I desperately need them, has only served to worsen the situation. The more I try to explain, the more hurt they get and withdraw further from me.
I may have lost them completely at this point, I don't know what I can do to fix things.
The medication calms my racing thoughts a bit and helps focus somewhat, but my anxiety has risen and emotional regulation is worse than ever. I can’t tell how much is the medication versus the breakup, fear of abandonment, and old trauma.
I've never experienced anything like this before. No breakup or loss of friendship has caused a reaction like this from me, but I have also never risked losing friends so precious to me before.
Has anyone been through something similar, starting methylphenidate right in the middle of a breakup/crisis and feeling everything spiral?
I want to continue the medication because it gives some benefit, but right now I'm scared it might be making things worse.
I do need to deal with my trauma and I've requested to start seeing a professional to start dealing with some things. I want to save my friendships if possible, they're by far the most important thing I have in my life.
I've also reached out to my doctor who prescribes the medication.
I have told her about my life situation, the anxiety and the rest before I even started the medication and since, and she felt like it was just normal things when going through a break up, but I reached out again, because my emotions are all over the place in a way it's never been before.
So I have reached out to professionals. I'm just posting this looking for advice and experience from others who may have gone through something similar.