I feel so lost and broken (trigger warning)
I’m a first time mom with a 14 month old baby. When I gave birth I thought I was dealing with just the baby blues. As time has passed and the big feelings haven’t gone away but rather gotten worse, I realized I have postpartum depression. I’ve always had anxiety and through my life I’ve experienced panic and anxiety attacks. However, since having my baby I have experienced them more often and stronger. I try to push those feelings away and be the happy mom my family needs. It’s just getting harder and harder every time. I blame myself for everything that has gone wrong in our lives and can’t help but think that they both deserve better than me. I know I need help, I just don’t know how and where to find it. I’m scared of what might happen once I actually start talking about how I’ve been feeling but I’m even more scared of what will happen if I don’t talk. Lately the thought of self harming again has been circling my mind but I’m trying so hard not to give in. I know I could hide it and no one would notice but I’m ashamed of the scars I already carry with me. The feeling of loneliness definitely does not help at all. I feel so lost and don’t know who to reach out to and so ashamed of having to admit these feelings to my husband. I love my baby and my husband so much and the last thing I want is to break their hearts.