Regret of choosing this field as my career
For context I am diagnosed with autism. I first took psychology because I was very fascinated by this field, learning about humans and behaviour. I wanted to understand humans as I always felt like I have trouble understanding them. I wanted to understand myself better. I am currently studying in Mphil after which I clinical psychologist. It's been 8 months and I feel so out of place. This has been very intensive course. Ofcourse there are strengths of being autistic like I noticed patterns others often miss. I am in India and since each state has different language the state I am is not a language I know I can understand some of it but not fully so on communication issue I have language barrier but since most people here talk in hindi I am able to manage. I feel so out of place some things are so normal for people where it's so much struggle for me. My facial expressions sometimes looks blunt, I am unable to put my thought into word, when I do a case and have to explain my supervisor I can see them being sometimes annoyed or frowining with the way I am putting words, the delay in me responding to people because I take more time to process annoys people. I wanted to be in this field because I wanted to help people like me. Because children with autism here in India I have seen they mainly do behavioral therapies, or exposure therapy. Many a times making them learn to mask to almost fit in the society. Rarely I have seen them working with the kids to build insight. After certain age I think the kid should be psychoeducated, make them realise why they are the way they are and let them chose how to live their life than being taught how they are supposed to behave to "fit" in this society. But I am losing hope I am thinking why did I take the field. I am thinking maybe I did a mistake thinking I will be able to do anything in this field. I myself don't think maybe I was ever fit to take this field. Communication is a huge factor here not only with patients but with colleagues, teachers etc. It's so easy for others for me I am struggling to learn how to do those basic field. I gave so many of my years in this field I don't want to be a burden to my parents anymore I regret it so much. I took gap years to clear this entrance it is very competative. I got admission with so much struggle and now I am here sometimes I wish I never cleared it so many of my other friends didn't and maybe that would have gave me a way out. One of my teacher has said things that make it worse I know she is not a good person but still it makes things worse she has told things like you have to be extrovert to be in this field , why do act sometimes as a small kid, why are you so timid, your questioning is so bad. The only reason I am not having worse time is I am good at studies, I have knowledge that has always been almost my coping mechanism to not be bullied. I am trying but I feel very tired. I wanted to challenge myself but I think I challenged myself too much. Maybe I should have just taken something else where there were less people. Where I don't have to feel like a failure.