Confusing feeling after a seizure
Hi, this might be a confusing read for many, but I need to hear your thoughts on if I have some phycological disorder or if anyone can relate.
I have nocturnal seizures- and often wake up with severe scratching on my body, or bruises everywhere. I hate waking up someone talking to me in that voice (we all know what I mean) telling me I've had a seizure. I get a sinking feeling and am often in a depressive state the next few days.
However... I always hope that if I have a seizure my 'injuries' are on my face and noticeable. I crave the attention I think? And I know this is wrong. I take my meds and would never intentionally cause a seizure but this is how I feel.
As I'm writing this, I also am realizing a few things. Epilepsy is largely an invisible disability, and no one understands how it has upended my life. No one gets that it is not just in fact seizures. No one takes my memory loss, fatigue, irritation (keppra?) seriously, thats not to mention how I've had to change from my dream career, and can't get a license.
I never talk about my epilepsy to my friends- because frankly it doesnt seem serious. Cant see a seizure happen= not there. At the very least- its impossible to grasp why I can no longer do as much as I used to. So when I have a black eye or slashes across my face, I almost get happy when I see how jarred people are. It gives them some tangible evidence that my life is different. Idk guys. What do you think?