I was raised in the Church; but like so many others, I really went my own way. I’m not even sure if faith was my own, it was just facts. Like of course Jesus died for my sins, of course God is real; I’ve always known all of this in my head. But I’m not sure if I’ve ever Like truly felt it in my heart? So that’s been my journey and I’m really working on FEELING all of this, not just “knowing” it. Anyways..
I strayed away for a really long time. And I mean a really long time. I’m back, and I mean I’m clawing my way back to Him. However, I’m really struggling with sin. I don’t even think I’m tempted anymore; it just happens. And I know I need to flee and cut it off; but I can’t. (It’s a boy. A relationship I know I shouldn’t be in. I’m so convicted and I just have no strength to leave.) I feel like such a fraud. I cry to him daily, begging him to remove all of this. Begging him to save me. Repenting. I know HE has. I know that if I believe in that He sent His son to die for my sons, I am saved. But I am really struggling with how sinful I still am. I feel like a willful sinner. I mean I am. I want what He wants for me and I also don’t want to/scared to/not strong enough to give some of this stuff up yet. (Yes, I am praying about this and telling Him about this all the time). I’m trying to have faith that it will change but I’m truly so scared I’m not doing it right. That I’m never going to change. That be believing in Him and trying to do right and trying to get close to Him and weed all this ick and awfulness out of me, He’s not going to accept me because I keep struggling with sin. I don’t even know if it counts as struggling when half the time I don’t even realize I did it until after. I keep being disobedient. I’m so scared. Does anyone have any advice or scripture or encouragement? Or to be honest, be very honest with me. Please help me. I don’t want to be apart from him here and I certainly don’t want to be apart from Him forever. But I’m so scared I’m so far gone and I’m never going to be able to overcome this or do it “right”. Or maybe it just means I don’t actually believe. But I can’t imagine that. I know it’s my human brain but how could He want to keep helping me or even save me for eternity if I’m such an unchanging, bad listener.
Anyone help please. God Bless you.