Am I the bad friend here?
So.. this is gonna be kinda long. (I did use gpt to structure my message cuz english isnt my first language)
I really need advice and I dont even know where to start. I’ve had this friend (lets call her A) for almost 8 years. We live in the same community and used to hang out a lot. In the beginning of our friendship we argued ALL the time. We’d stop talking for months and then suddenly become super close again after one of us apologized. She’s 2 years younger than me, and even tho that was never really the issue, I always felt like she didnt fully understand me.
We originally became friends through a mutual school friend, and after lockdown that mutual friend kinda messed up badly (long story), so me and A bonded over that hurt. One of my earliest memories with her is her consoling me when my cousin died. After that we made so many amazing memories together.
Then around 3 years ago she started dating this guy. Every other day she’d vent to me about him, and honestly I didnt mind cuz I loved listening to her and being there for her when she had breakdowns. But during that time I couldnt hang out much because of exams.. my parents are super strict and restrictive. She knows I have a terrible relationship with them.
That became a huge issue. She started saying I didnt spend enough time with her and that I prioritized school over her, especially while she was struggling in her relationship. Eventually the fights turned into her saying I never gave good relationship advice either.
Home was already hell during that time, and whenever we met she’d bring up random arguments. I ended up deciding to take a break from the friendship. I was a child, terrible at communication, and I admit I didnt handle it properly. But she was also really mean, And It got bad. I cried so much, and at one point I vented to my parents about everything (bad decision, but I was a kid). That gave them a horrible impression of her.
I was super isolated, stuck at home, and forced into this really competitive school coaching environment. But during that time I also learned a lot about myself and how to control my emotions better.
Then me and A randomly met again during summer holidays and talked everything out. We both admitted we missed each other a lot, so we became friends again. Honestly after that, things felt better than ever.
Then in my last year of school I met this girl at school (lets call her M). Me and M got really close, and she was super mature and communicative. I learned a lot about friendships from her. After spending time with both M and A separately, I started noticing problems in mine and A’s friendship. Every conversation was always about A, her boyfriend, or her problems. I never noticed before because I believed my “role” in the friendship was just to listen.
But then things at home got REALLY bad, and whenever I tried opening up to A, she’d say a few things and then immediately switch the topic back to herself or her boyfriend. That really hurt me, so I finally tried talking to her about it.
Her reaction wasnt what I expected at all. She blamed me for never communicating properly and said she always wanted me to open up more. I’m a huge people pleaser and I hate confrontation, so I just apologized and promised I’d share more about myself.
But honestly… I had nothing to tell her. My whole life was just school, and she hated hearing about school stuff. I barely had any other friends except M, and A got possessive whenever I talked about M. So I literally started making up stories about some random imaginary guy just so I’d have something “interesting” to talk about. I’d tell her stuff like “oh this guy is so hot” or “hes texting me” and whatever. After a few months I realized how stupid that was and confessed. To which she told me she understood and that she would forgive me.
After that I started feeling like I was just a background character in her life. Like I was boring and unimportant unless I had drama to talk about. She also started making passive comments about being prettier than me, having more friends, having a better family, etc. She openly admitted she hated my family because of how strict they are. She’d also make fun of my friends appearances sometimes.
Then one day she randomly told me I was “never there for her.” and that "I never am truthful to her" That honestly broke me because I genuinely tried SO hard for her. So again, I distanced myself to focus on myself and spent more time with other friends, especially M.
One day while venting to M, I admitted that I felt like A didnt understand me anymore and that all she talked about was her abusive boyfriend. I’d spent so much time trying to help her leave him and giving advice she never took, and I was starting to get exhausted. I also admitted that sometimes A herself was part of the problem too. I know I probably went overboard saying that, but I needed somewhere to vent.
A few months later me and A talked things out AGAIN, because honestly at that point it felt like we’d always somehow come back to each other. Things improved again after that. I really tried my best to make her feel loved and important because she communicated that she felt neglected by me. I fought with my parents to hang out with her. I even snuck out at night sometimes when she wasnt okay just to be there for her. I genuinely tried.
But then one day she logged into my instagram account, read my chats with M, and found the messages where I said she didnt understand me and only talked about herself. That caused another huge fight. I apologized, took accountability, and she told me she was “done with me,” that I “didnt deserve her,” and that I was “never there for her.”
I honestly understood why she was hurt. If I saw my best friend talking like that about me, I’d be upset too.
A few days later she reached out again, apologized for snapping, and said she’d try to understand me better. We became normal again after that.
Then came my college entrance exams. They were EXTREMELY important to me, and she knew that. I stayed home grinding for almost a month and half. During that time she kept asking me to go out, go to malls, sleepovers, etc. Then she started saying stuff like “u never come out with me" “I always have to wait for your exams to end", “Am I not important enough to you", “You never WANT to hang out with me.”
Things got even worse after I attended M’s birthday party. A got upset that I went out for M but apparently never came to one of her birthdays. She also got mad that I made M a birthday gift when I’d never made one for her (I''d buy her stuff online) But guess what? She's never given me a present other than a poem and a mug that literally says "Happy birthday" But I didn't mind because I was never a gift person.
And yeah… now she sent me huge messages saying I dont deserve her, she deserves someone better, shes tired of me, and she wants to end things for good and never contact me again. I think she blocked me too.
And now I genuinely dont know how to respond. I cant stop feeling like maybe I’m the asshole here.