Context: me and my to-be wife are both women; this is a lesbian wedding.
My family sucks, and is also very big (~50 on my Dad's side - the worst, and ~30 on my mum's side - mostly ok, some I adore). Unfortunately, I love and respect my grandparents on my Dad's side so deeply and to not invite all of my cousins and aunts would break their heart, so is not an option for me. With that said, there are two homophobic people in my family who I've already told them I won't invite. Thank god my girlfriend has a tiny family of <20. My grandparents bought us a house, so I can justify forking out the money for them.
At the same time, I want to enjoy my wedding and love the people who are there. I am thinking of having two receptions.
Our plan would be:
We sign the papers at the courtroom with a small group of our closest friends and my partners mom.
That evening we have a "friend" reception with all of our friends, our parents, and my grandparents if they want to attend both (approx. 40 friends).
The next day we have a joint (friends & family) wedding ceremony with all of our friends and family (140 people).
That evening we have a "family" reception with family (approx. 100 people).
Has anyone done something similar? Or how do you deal with inviting people you don't want to invite but kind of have to? Any other ideas?
ETA: emphasis on the fact that not inviting all of my cousins, uncles & aunts is not an option for me. It is very easy to say "just don't invite them". It's simply not an option - I'd rather have no wedding and my girlfriend is on board with that (she is in a somewhat similar boat with her much smaller family and having a few people she doesn't want but doesn't want the drama of not inviting). In my mind, my options are: have one huge wedding that I will just feel a bit uncomfortable at due to my family, or one small wedding that we will enjoy and one large wedding that I will feel a bit uncomfortable at.
ETA 2: Money is not a problem. My grandparents have offered to pay for the wedding - up to $60k (AUD). Not knowing this, we had already saved up about $40k for the wedding ourselves. Our parents have also offered to contribute. So we can afford what is essentially 2 full weddings and then some, if we wanted. We will have event coordinators/ wedding planners, and I myself have organised corporate and community events for 500+ people so I'm not too worried about the planning aspect.
For reference - I am the second last of all of my cousins (on my Dad's side) to get married - ALL of my cousins not only invited everyone but had all of us cousins in their bridal party. Yup - 12 bridesmaids at one wedding... We are an EXTREMELY family oriented family. We all get together (all 50 odd of us) like 4-6 times a year. But, many of them are rude, entitled, obnoxious people who love drama and attention. I love them, but I don't like them. So, I just don't like the idea of like 30% of our guests being them (including the few from my partner's side that she doesn't like). My partner and I like the idea of a second party with just the people who "spark joy".
Also, to be clear - only 2 family members are homophobic - neither of them will be invited, and I've already told them and my grandparents, and everyone is very understanding of that. None of my other family members are homophobic or bigoted. There will be no homophobes at the wedding.
I'm leaning towards cutting the second ceremony - just having one small one on day 1, then a fun friend reception, then day 2 having a family reception. Immediate family + bridal party invited to both but not expected to come (one member of the bridal party has severe anxiety and will only go to the small ceremony, if that).
Please stop telling me to just not invite the family I don't like. Family is incredibly important to me, even if I don't like them. It's one of the main things my to-be wife and I have in common, and one of the main reasons we want to get married - to build a family together. It's just not an option that we will consider.