I've been struggling a lot mentally this year + all my life in general. It's managable but I feel like i've just dug myself a hole I can never get out off just cause of the way that I am/I am just evil.
I've reflected and ruminated a lot about my thoughts and actions and I just can't accept that I am a real human person, I don't feel like I am or am deserving to be a human. I get really black and white/magical thinking where I just question myself and why I'm living.
My thoughts are all over the place but I feel like that's my punishment for being who I am. I hate who I am and I don't know how I can change it/if it's even possible cause no matter how many times I try to tell myself/do something to change it I revert back to square one. What does that say about me as a "person" if I can't follow something I believe in.
I don't know what to believe, I feel like i deserve to be punished for causing so much pain to people and being so selfish. I know it's ridicolous but i seriously believe the world would be better if I died cause I just being evilness to the world.