u/KHarrow07

TLDR: I’m feeling inadequate that I couldn’t make exclusively nursing a reality. I’ve felt so alone because nobody in my circle had this experience and all seemed to take to nursing perfectly. Now that I need to pass my NP boards I need to make milk production and pumping less of a worry/priority, and it’s breaking my heart to let go after all the tireless work I’ve put into it.

I am a first-time mom and my baby is 6 months old now. I feel so blessed that we’ve even made it this far with him being exclusively breastfed. To make a long story somewhat short, my baby was born 5lb 11oz and was not transferring milk well while nursing and dropped to much weight in his first week of life. He ended up on a billi light at home for 24 hours and has been absolutely fine ever since—growing wonderfully, plenty is wet diapers, gains weight albeit he is just a small guy—but I’ve never been able to shake the feeling that I failed him from the beginning.
I’ve been obsessed with milk production since day 5 when his pediatrician told me to switch to exclusive pumping to see how much he’d take in a bottle (after he guzzled down 2oz of formula fed by his pediatrician to make sure it wasn’t lack of appetite that was the problem).

For 6 months I’ve thought of nothing but milk math, how much he drinks, how much I need to pump. I saw an LC at 2.5 months and she changed my game, took me from 8 pumps daily to 6 with two nursing sessions and from there a made it to almost exclusively nursing until 5.5 months when he started teething. I didn’t expect teething to happen so early and he now has two bottom teeth and has been on a nursing strike for 3 weeks which switched me back to EP.

He loves solids and is less interested in milk in general, now he has one meal of solids and one snack during his day and takes 5 bottles total (he’s always been a big eater and takes 27-30oz milk daily). I’ve worked tirelessly and given up my mental and physical health to produce just slightly more than his daily intake, but I have NP board exams to study for and can’t maintain this level of dedication to the milk anymore. He takes formula fine, it’s my mental block and feelings of inadequacy that are stopping me from dripping pumps even though I am totally burnt out. I have great social support from friends, family, and husband, but still feel so alone.

Thanks for any kind words, support, or gentle advice.