I want my discipline back
Hello all, I am going into the fifth (and hopefully last) year of my PhD. Throughout the PhD I have been beaten down and been able to pick myself back up no problem, but for the past year it has been like I am being dragged against the concrete by a car going 80MPH. I used to be so disciplined: get up early, go to gym, work in lab for 8+ hours, go home, eat, do more work/study, bed, repeat. I know that I can do all these things and still maintain balance, but the cycle has been disrupted and I have had so much difficulty getting back. I know who I am right now isn’t the true me and it feels like the PhD keeps chipping away at my soul. I think I am just so so burnt out and I feel as if every little thing is a mountainous task, even if I break it down into smaller pieces. It has been a downward spiral, but everything has felt at its lowest when I had surgery this past year. I thought I would be given a month’s break to rest and recover but was not really awarded this. I still went into lab twice to help with experiments and attend lab meeting in person, I was essentially forced to finish my paper(that has been in independent review limbo for months now) and I had to deal with students emailing me about their grades for the end of the semester. I am just so exhausted. I have barely read any papers this year and I am not motivated to write. I barely put any effort towards planning my next steps and experiments. Bits of my project have continually been given out to “help” me but then I am left without any plans as those were /my/ next steps. Everything keeps piling on with collaborator work, helping younger trainees, and nothing in my project working (like at all). I am so sick of troubleshooting and being constantly in the cycle my PI keeps forcing of “hurry up and wait”. I have tried everything to get myself back on task, to do work like I used to, but I just cannot bring myself to do it. I do not have any motivation for hobbies, I cannot workout like I used to due to surgery (which was a huge stress reliever), I fall behind on chores and cooking for myself. Quitting the PhD is NOT an option. I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel; I will drag myself across the finish line scraped and bruised and banged up if I must. I could turn in a hunk of garbage for my thesis and I do not care, as long as they let me leave. I was wondering if anyone else has felt like this near the end of their PhD? I have been told the last 6 months of the PhD are the worst, but I cannot imagine it getting any worse than this? Is there anything that helps besides taking a long break? (I know that is important, but I feel like I do not have time to step away and know I will get my break when I am done.) Thanks for reading my plight, appreciate you all