Her (23F) and I (24M) have had our friendship going for about two years (first couple months being a bit slow). She has a wife , but we’ve both called each other best friends. She was the one who started it/ made it “official”. She is neurodivergent and often tells me that I am the only friend she hangs out with outside of work. At work, we vibe well and she shares a lot of her life with me, but I’ve realized the dynamic is heavily skewed.
I am the "Engine" of the friendship. I do 95% of the planning, initiating, and emotional check-ins. She has asked to hangout a time or two, but never with anything in mind. If I stop initiating, the communication effectively dies… unless she has something or did something she wants to share, but the conversation outside of work stays at that. While she is affectionate and says all the right things, her actions don't match.
Because she's neurodivergent, I’ve wondered if she simply doesn't pick up on my cues. However, it’s reached a point where I feel a "drug hit" of validation when we hang out, followed by a crash of anxiety and loneliness when I realize I'm the only one maintaining the connection. I feel like I'm providing a high level of emotional support that isn't reciprocated.
I want to move away from this imbalance without feeling malicious. I'm considering having an honest conversation to tell her that the lack of reciprocity is draining me and that I would like for her to take the lead more often.
In a friendship with a neurodivergent person (who is also married/has other primary commitments), is it better to be explicit about these needs or to just "mirror" their energy?
How do I address the lack of initiation without sounding like I'm managing her or attacking her character?
At what point does being understanding of someone's nature or situation become self-sacrifice?
Some added context: I’ve met her wife 5 or so times, we’re cool but we have really only talked because of a shared person. Again, I completely understand that she’s married. I know she has her life, but I feel like what I’m asking for is that bare minimum.